Navigating Workplace Romance: How Do I Handle Falling for a Younger Coworker While Married?

Hi, I am a 45-year-old lady, and my supervisor is around 30. He fell in love with me in the very first week, and now I feel that I love him too. I am married with a daughter. I have tried hard to shake off this feeling, but it's getting worse and worse. What is your suggestion to get rid of this issue?

Thanks for your reply.

Actually, I have no relationship with my supervisor. I am doing my best to keep our relationship professional and stay away from him as much as possible. But this hasn't helped us remove that feeling. I haven't let him tell me anything about that, but he's showing his feelings in any possible way, and it's been difficult for me to ignore him wholeheartedly.

Rash,

Your own statement is contradictory. On one side, you are saying, "I have no relationship with my supervisor," while on the other side, you are saying, "it's been difficult for me to ignore him wholeheartedly."

I advise you to ignore and end your worsening relationship with your supervisor. Instead, focus on creating and cherishing special moments with your husband and family. You didn't mention anything about your husband; please provide more details.

I hope this helps.

Best regards, [Your Name]

Dear Rash,

Your query does not fall directly under HR Management per se, but suppose a 45-year-old female employee were to approach her HR Manager and explain her problem, then how would he respond? Let me respond in the same way.

You have been enamored by a 30-year-old supervisor. While attraction towards the opposite sex is normal, such attraction has to be bound by the responsibility to your family members. If this foolish and unreasonable fondness crosses its limits, it will not just destroy your life but also your spouse's and daughter's lives. Your self-gratification could cause grave injustice to them. The supervisor is far junior to you. More than half of your life is over, whereas he has a long way to go. What if he responds to your passion now but later abandons you, say after 5-10 years? Then who will take care of you in old age? An estranged husband or a young daughter who faced trauma due to parental separation?

He could be responding to your overtures that have an undercurrent of intimacy. But then, these may not last longer.

Life partners are needed most after 60. What kind of diseases one will get cannot be foretold. In India, there are millions of cases where either spouse has taken care of another ailing partner for years together.

Hindu philosophy teaches us that "kaam (prurience), krodh (anger), madh (arrogance), moh (temptations), and matsar (jealousy) are the main five enemies of a person." The strength of a person lies in not allowing any of the enemies to defeat them. Presently, the enemy called kaam is trying to overpower you. Therefore, rise and fight with it with all your vigor. To gather strength, you may seek help from a professional counselor.

The immediate solution could be to quit the job. Possibly, your financial situation may not permit this, but in the larger interest of your life as well as your family, this decision would be sound. However, in your next job, make sure you do not repeat this mistake.

Thanks,

Dinesh Divekar

Thank you all for your detailed replies. Sorry if my message seems contradictory. We just love each other but haven't even talked about it. I am doing my best to stay out of his sight and not talk to him, even about work. I send emails or messages about work rather than going to him. Because I agree with all your comments, that's why I am asking for a practical solution. I don't like to talk about my husband, and there's no guarantee that he will take care of me after 60. But I just don't want to destroy my daughter's life.

I am looking for a practical way to remove that feeling from my heart that he created and feeds every day. I can't quit my job now.

Hi Rash, probably what would help is to realize that everything we feel is, in fact, chemical signals to our brain. What you are feeling is possibly a result of where you are in your life and perhaps a promise of a fresh start. The fact that a lot of what you are imagining this person to be is an image created by your mind. The reality could be much different, and such is the case where many find the person they are in a relationship with to be different when the shine of a new relationship wears off.

There is nothing wrong with feeling fondness towards another human, and often the rigors of life tend to rub against the old bonds. What you've built with your current husband has value. The strength that time provides is often ignored when you objectify a relationship, wondering what's in it for me. Perhaps that new phone has better features. This phone will probably not last that long anyway. But people are not objects; they reflect what you shine at them. What are you shining on them these days? So you could either strengthen what you have or choose a new path. Both have risks and rewards. The choices you make will create your life.

All the best - hope it works out well for you.

Dear Rash, Dinesh Divekar has given you a detailed response, and another person, who prefers to remain anonymous, has offered you sound advice. We can't mark that response as Useful, as the person has chosen to remain anonymous.

Here is my two cents' worth of observation from your comments. Your statement "I don't like to talk about my husband and there's no guarantee that he will take care of me after 60. But I just don't want to destroy my daughter's life." indicates two things to me. Firstly, that you care for your daughter very much, and secondly, that there may be some issue in your marriage. We often develop feelings for those who show care and affection, especially in a troubled marriage. Dinesh Divekar has highlighted the age difference; here in the UK, they refer to it as falling for a "toy boy."

If you did not have any children, the situation might not be as significant, especially if you are unhappy in your marriage and considering ending it. Therefore, the best course of action would be to dress more modestly than you currently do and maintain communication through emails rather than in person, as you are currently doing.

Wishing you all the best, and may the Lord guide you.

Dear Madam, I think you need to do serious introspection regarding what it is that you like and why in your younger colleague, despite being married and having a loving daughter and husband.

People often seek happiness outside when they don't find it inside. There is nothing wrong if your love and liking remain at the level of deep friendship driven by the purity of feelings and not by physical attraction, which is a hidden pull.

Perhaps it is satisfying for one to know that she is found attractive by a younger colleague, and she may like to go along with it. However, wisdom lies in accepting the responsibility of married life and fulfilling the same. Otherwise, if you get caught in the whirlwind of avoidable emotions at the cost of present responsibility, the result will obviously be disastrous.

I wish that you keep your feelings for the younger colleague at bay and move forward to lead a happier life.

Regards, Vinayak L. Nagar kar HR Consultant.

Appreciate your courage to speak about your feelings and seek help in handling the issue. I have also noted that you feel concerned about your daughter and are conscious of your responsibility towards her. I have seen a couple of similar cases where deep respect or sympathy for social struggle or some commonality were major causes for liking. In such cases, at the request of the employee, the management used to consider departmental transfer so that the two of them have no or less contact during working time. You can think about and seek a transfer if deemed fit. Feelings may change with social changes. Patience pays off in due course of time.