How Should I Handle a Senior HR's Unwanted Interference in My Personal Life?

Seeking Guidance on Personal and Professional Conflict

I need some valuable guidance from senior resources in this forum. I will keep my query brief.

I was about to get engaged to a girl whose cousin brother happens to be a senior director (HR) in my organization (XXXXXXXXX). I recently called off my engagement because the girl has a drinking problem and lied to me about certain matters. Sorry to bring in my personal topic, but I want the readers to be clear.

Now, last night my immediate manager was worried and told me that the person (HR mentioned above) called him to ask about me and knows about my personal happenings. This has upset me tremendously. How could such a senior person lose his dignity and call up my manager to discuss me just because the engagement has been called off with his sister?

I doubt this HR could stoop so low as to try to tarnish my reputation and frame me. I have a very good reputation in the organization, and the interference by a senior HR in my personal life has cautioned me.

Just because someone has an upper hand in the organization doesn't mean he will interfere in my personal matters.

Seeking Advice on Addressing the Issue

How could I bring this matter up to upper-level management since the person involved is a senior HR in India COE, probably recruited as the head of HR? I would also like to change my organization because I highly doubt that this person will stop interfering in my business and bothering my manager.

I am not sure who is going to listen to my request regarding this matter in the organization. I want to leave the organization and cite this matter as a reason. Kindly assist me with the appropriate way to tackle the situation.

Regards.

You have not understood my concern. The person has already contacted my manager with an ulterior motive. The bad thing about people here is they can misuse their authority to harass an employee. I am highly suspicious of this mentioned person's character. Why on earth would a person talk about my personal matter with my manager? I kindly request some senior personnel to provide input to tackle this situation.

How far is your manager ready to support you in this affair? If he wishes to be a mute spectator, then nothing can be done as such. However, if he is prepared to support you by providing audio recordings of the telephonic conversations with the Senior Director of HR, then you will have solid evidence of harassment.

By the way, how many times has the Senior Director of HR called your manager? Was it a one-off case, or were there repeated calls?

Every person has feet of clay. Would it be possible for you to put the Senior Director of HR under surveillance? Is there a way for you to gather evidence of his wrongdoing in another area of activity?

You mentioned the company's name as well. What if the Senior Director of HR notices this post and files a libel suit against you in the cybercrime branch?

As mentioned by a previous member, wait for some time. Perhaps the Director may even forget the whole incident.

Thanks,
Dinesh Divekar

Since you are under surveillance, I suggest you be careful in all your professional matters. Do not comment about anything within your office regarding what happened with the girl. Be prudent and diplomatic with everyone in the office and always be cautious.

I read your post in detail. I am not sure what you want to ask. You are already looking to change your job. Are you asking for our approval? Or are you asking whether you should stay? You have already told us that you think the HR director will interfere in your life and damage your reputation. You are there in the company, on the job. You will know what is possible or not. How can we, as outsiders, tell? If you are asking how you can complain, or to whom, again, we can't tell you. We don't know either the structure, org setup, or attitude. We don't know how senior or critical you are for the company. Do you think they will bother to take action on your allegation of harassment? You have to make your assessment and take action on the same.

How could you conclude that you are being harassed? How many times has he called your manager? If it is only once, then it could be a casual inquiry out of curiosity. In such a case, don't worry. If it is not the case and you experience direct or indirect harassment, then as long as you are in the same organization, you must be very cautious while doing your job. In that case, you will have no option but to change jobs. Be patient, consult your immediate manager from time to time before coming to a final conclusion. I fear that perhaps you are unnecessarily worrying. Start doing your office work in normal ways.

Regards,
Satish Akut

If you suspect foul play, gather evidence for use at the appropriate time in the appropriate forum. For example, consider recording incidents (audio/visual/witnesses). Evidence, especially irrefutable evidence, is crucial and can be your ally. You are certainly taking the right step by contemplating separation in such a situation.

Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to answer my concern. I had a chat with my manager, and he gave me a hint that somebody in the organization wants to have me under surveillance. My manager is unwilling to disclose the name, though I am one hundred percent sure it's from the same person in question here. In short, the manager is diplomatic in this episode and seems to feel comfortable taking orders from the Ups. So gathering evidence against the person in question doesn't look like a possibility.

So finally, I am a victim of unlawful practice. Just because someone has power, can he/she use it unlawfully against an employee? Moreover, taking personal matters to interfere in my professional work.

As some have suggested, contemplating separation seems to be a viable option in this case. Can I cite this whole episode (i.e., interference of a senior HR in my professional life) as a reason to quit? If so, how can I quote it in an appropriate way when resigning? Kindly assist.

Sorry to note your predicament. However, you have not given sufficient information to provide you with an informed suggestion. For example, did you know that the girl to whom you were going to get engaged had a cousin working in your organization and in that position? Was this engagement arranged, or were you going out with that girl? How did you come to know about the girl having a drinking problem? What did she lie to you about?

Background Checks in Arranged Marriages

In arranged marriages, it is customary for people involved to check on the girls' or boys' backgrounds, etc. It's possible that your HR was just doing their job, as you have not provided any details of what your manager was told or asked.

Considering the Consequences of Resigning

If the HR executive wants to be vindictive, do you think that just resigning and getting away will be smooth? I am known for asking questions rather than giving answers. I am sorry if this has not helped you.

Organizational Concerns After Calling Off Engagement

This was an arranged marriage, and the HR contacted me the afternoon I called off my engagement. Yes, the reason for contacting was to keep an eye on me. Why did he not contact me while I was with the girl or just call me up to congratulate? Why did he contact my manager?

How I know whether the girl has a drinking problem is beyond the scope of the discussion. I need an answer from an organizational point of view. How can I tackle the case effectively?

The best way to tackle such issues is by maintaining records related to this matter. Maintain an Excel sheet on the cloud using Google, where you will document every activity you carry out daily, including basic routine tasks you perform in the office. Be very cautious while dealing with female coworkers from your office.

If possible, record any and all conversations, especially any discussions or advice given by anyone regarding your personal life. Meanwhile, be happy and calm, and search for a new job. Do not leave your current job without a new job in hand. There is no better tool than being happy to torment people who want to bring you down and make you sad.

Do not cite personal reasons as the reason for resignation when you are leaving your current job. Change your social profile settings from public to private to ensure there is no unwanted leakage of information about your personal life. Work on your LinkedIn profile and get maximum references from your juniors and colleagues from your current and past companies.

Check if vendors, clients, and suppliers can provide you with a written recommendation. Also, do not plan too much into the future; relax a little. There is nothing in this world that cannot be dealt with appropriately.

In a couple of days, all this brotherly love for your cousin sister will see its own demise.

Regards,
Octavious

My advice is that interference from senior HR, as you are experiencing, can't be mentioned as a reason for your quitting. The reason is you don't really have objective evidence; you can't prove it. So if you want to quit, don't place any blame on somebody. You should always say that you are leaving for a better opportunity. Using any negative words in your current job will only harm you directly or indirectly. Say thanks to everyone in the present organization, including your senior HR, and walk away. This will make your life happier, at least in the new job.

Regards,
Satish Akut

I chose to ignore the part about unlawful activity, victimization, etc., as the information available is one-sided and incomplete. Focusing on the other part of your question: Do not cite this as a reason when going for an interview. No one likes to recruit an employee who speaks negatively about their current employer, has a persecution complex, or has taken an anti-employer stand. They may think you will do the same here. It is best to say you want to work for better prospects, a different industry, a different profile, etc. When you resign from here, just state "personal reasons."

While leaving your present job, you should not cite this so-called episode to your senior management since there is no proof you can show for such harassment. Blaming someone without any concrete evidence would only be damaging to you. My advice is, while leaving, say that you are leaving for a better job elsewhere. With a smiling face, say thanks to everybody and walk away quietly. In your new job, forget the past and work with a fresh mind; otherwise, your day-to-day performance may get affected. I wish you the best of luck.

With best regards,
Satish Akut

Stop looking at yourself as a victim. Look at all the options you have around you and weigh the pros and cons of each of them. Since your manager is unwilling to disclose the name, you are concluding he or she is "diplomatic and seems to be taking orders from higher-ups." It could just be professionalism on his or her part.

Look at the situation as if it were happening to someone else and ask yourself what you would be advising then. You are not a victim. You are a professional who is employed. You have rights. So use your skills to empower yourself and find a solution. Running away from the situation may not help.

All the best.

Just to keep everyone updated... Yes, there have been a few instances this past week where I have been targeted. My manager has given me hints that the guy in question is running inquiries about me, and a head of my division has started to get involved also (though it seems he doesn't want to). It's a long story, and I do not want to bother the members with it. But, in short, my apprehension was correct. So, it would be wise for me to quietly walk out now.

I wish if everyone holding top management positions had a proper MBA education, then there would not have been such incidences. Chances are very high you guys wouldn't see me again. So, I want to take a moment to thank every member who meaningfully contributed to this thread and provided me with their professional advice. I am glad I could stumble upon this site when I needed it the most.

Meanwhile, I am going to sit back and rethink my next professional strategy.

Regards.

I fully understand your concerns and the state of uncertainty/insecurity that you have been placed in. However, I feel that either you are overreacting by reading too much into the situation or are not sharing complete details. Therefore, with these reservations in mind, I advise as follows:

When any situation overpowers you and you are unable to overcome it (for whatever reasons), you must quit the situation and opt for a saner life elsewhere or dig in your heels and fight out the situation irrespective of the outcome. In such situations, you have to protect your self-dignity and self-concept.

If you choose the second option I am suggesting, I would advise you not to react at all until the sensitive topic is raised directly with you, either by the super boss or by anyone else. Since it is a personal matter, you are not obliged to discuss related issues with anyone. In this case, you may discuss with the super boss since he happens to be a relative of the source of your present predicament.

Remember, in organizations, no one can hang you. They can only ask you to go (even if wrongly!). To protect your larger and long-term interests, I suggest you start looking for alternative opportunities without committing. Vindicating yourself in this situation is extremely important, but a contingency plan must be put in place anyway!

Organizations should not delve too much into personal situations of employees, but organizations are also run by human beings, so such things continue to happen. When confronted, we can only intelligently deal with them, attempt to resolve, and when it is considered futile, quit before it is too late!

Trust you have some direction to consider now!

Cheer up, this will pass!

Regards,
Samvedan
February 2, 2015