How Do I Handle a Difficult Boss Without Quitting My Dream IT Job?

Hi, I work at the managerial level in a reputed IT firm. I have a boss who is always taunting me and putting me down. She has complete mood swings and often miscommunicates, which has led to many clashes. I have already complained to my superior about this, but no action was taken. The whole team is not happy with the situation but is scared that it will cause trouble if anyone complains. I love my job and my work, but I am unable to bear this treatment from my boss. Please help. What can I do? I don't want to quit my job...

Congratulations on making the best decision to stay back and learn. Here's an old discussion thread that deals with one of the areas affecting you: Mind Games.

When a reporting leader acts like Machiavelli, you have to observe and follow the pattern to adjust. You have already done most of it. You know which situations evoke what response from her. All you have to do now is to find survival skills and attitude. Eventually, when you can read the person better, her responses and emotions will affect you far less than they do now.

Wishing you all the best!

The analysis of the post shows that:

a) Your manager lacks managerial skills. She has not been trained properly in that.

b) There is no proper grievance handling machinery in your company.

c) When some junior complains against his/her manager, the senior management personnel are supposed to investigate the matter. In your case, the boss's boss is just sitting on your complaint. This shows apathy on his/her part and how he/she lacks leadership qualities.

d) IT/ITES is supposed to be a little more glamorous than other industries. That this incident should happen in ITES goes on to show that there is no difference between your sector and any other. Ask some seniors, and they will tell you how ITES personnel belittle individuals from other industries.

e) Your post explains the reasons for employee attrition as well.

f) Your post shows how senior management personnel are disconnected from the ground-level staff. This disconnection is caused by the lack of proper upward communication. These individuals go abroad and attend high-level management courses. They even nominate themselves for leadership courses conducted by MNC training companies. However, when it comes to action or execution, they remain as cool as cucumbers.

g) In your post, you have not written anything about HR. Why did you not approach HR, or why does HR not know that one manager is unfair to the staff? If HR knows, then why is that person remaining quiet?

Now let me come to a solution. Instead of fighting a lonely battle, I recommend you make a collective complaint, either to HR or to a superior person like the Director. While making a complaint, ensure that you provide some material evidence.

One more solution is to make an anonymous complaint to the MD of your company. However, make the complaint with sufficient evidence. Conduct a sting operation, capture audio/video recordings, and send the file to the MD. Be cautious when doing this because you have to exercise utmost discretion. Personally, I would not recommend this option, but in my experience, it has worked well in at least 2-3 cases.

For [Cite Contribution]: You have recommended putting up with the vagaries of the manager and finding out the pattern of the manager's behavior, then adjusting according to the senior's requirements. While this may avoid immediate conflict in the workplace, your solution demands passivity or lies on the borderline of passivity. You have not mentioned how long one should be passive. There is nothing wrong with being assertive. The manager is also a paid employee just like the author of this post.

Regards,
Dinesh V Divekar

Thank you for correcting me on what seemed incorrect to you. Fighting out in the open is what Nima had already tried. There have been no results from it. If the Senior Management hasn't done anything beyond listening to the complaints, HR might offer an ear to listen, but the response remains yet to be seen.

I am not discounting the results from tackling the situation head-on. I am certain it brings results to many. Taking control may not always require someone to pick up a weapon. At times, the right attitude does far more good than a scuffle.

I sincerely request members to ignore my suggestions if they are ineffective.

Have a great day!

It's a tricky situation! Since you love being in this job, I would suggest you get on the right side of Ms. (Cite Contribution)'s hint on dealing with this type of boss. The following steps can also assist you:

- Keep it a habit to write down and document anything you find unprofessional, unethical, or abusive. Simply jot down the facts without adding your reactions to the events. This will help you in the future when filing a complaint, as you will have appropriate records to refer to.

- Seek support from your colleagues, as you are not the only one affected by this situation. Avoid speaking negatively about your boss, as this could worsen the ordeal.

- Filing a complaint or report with Human Resources will ensure that the situation is being monitored and managed properly.

- If you love the company and your position but struggle to deal with your boss, consider finding a mentor to guide you in maintaining work consistency.

Learn to address and navigate each step with experience. If you are still unable to find a resolution, consider searching for a new job. In the meantime, try to handle the bullying without letting it affect your health.

Please let me know if you need further assistance or advice.

Best regards

First of all, don't panic and don't get frustrated. Quite often in your career, you will face such kinds of people. You just need to be patient and learn to tackle such personalities. Not all fingers are identical; similarly, every individual is different. I appreciate you for taking the initiative to learn and tackle the situation.

You mentioned miscommunication. I guess your boss first says something and then changes it, claiming that he/she did not say that at all. If this is the situation, be happy—you have the advantage over your boss. Most of the communication must be official, like asking you to do something or lead something. If your boss is communicating verbally and later changing his/her stand, make a note of what your boss says. Then draft an email and inform your boss, stating the same via email, and add a line saying, "Kindly correct me if I have missed capturing any information." Keep a few statements handy similar to this and use them at the end of your email and send it. Now you will start finding that the communication problems are getting lesser, and this will save you from many troubles as well. If anything is actually missed, it's the boss's duty to clarify by replying to the email.

Similarly, you will find several ways to handle situations.

Always remember this: You are never a loser until you think you're a loser.

Thank you all for your valuable suggestions. I will try my best to put these in place. Some of you were questioning the HR department. We all belong to the HR department—I carry a managerial role, and both my boss and super boss are from senior management HR. 

I also have a major problem adding to all the issues mentioned above. My subordinate, a team member who reports to me, is very close to my boss personally. She informs him about every action of mine, every decision I make, and also takes long breaks with my boss. I have informed them several times to correct this behavior. They tease me about my dressing style, my walking style, and everything else, which really demotivates me.

Dear NIMAA,

Your episode becomes more interesting by the coincidental fact that your moody immediate boss, your back-biting subordinate, and you—all three ladies—are working in the same HR department in responsible positions. So, it is a war among the roses! I think that's how the super boss (I suppose he is a man and endeavors to be gentle too) became a silent spectator. Since your attachment to your present job is so great, you are not prepared for an open fight to get justice, and at the same time, the injustice being schematically meted out to you seems to be unbearable! As you are well aware, every tide has its ebb and every coin has its other side.

After analyzing your narratives in your different posts, I have certain questions for you:

Is it real or feigned?

If real, despite your sincerity and efficiency, why are you alone targeted by the moody boss?

Suspicion and Subordinate Dynamics

Why does the so-called closeness of your subordinate with the boss arouse suspicion in your mind that she is back-biting about your every move?

Perception of Self

Do you really think that your style of walking and talking is so awkward as to make others tease you as you said?

Leadership and Courage

If the mood swings and miscommunication of your boss are silently borne by other employees in the department out of their timidity, don't you have, as the manager of the team, the moral courage and the natural knack to raise the issue before the appropriate authority at the most opportune time?

Assertiveness vs. Offensiveness

Is not being assertive different from being offensive?

Have some deep introspection!

Nimaa, an elephant is more powerful on land, whereas the crocodile is in the water; first find out who you are, next where you are, and then decide wisely whether to fight or flight.

I understand your issues; they are, in fact, quite common. You have received some very good comments and observations from members so far, and there is a lot for you to digest. If ever there was a classic case of educating the boss, this is it (I am sure many more will follow!).

I once read an article by Kay Buckby of the Development Company where she gave 10 tips for Managing the Boss:

Understanding the Importance of Your Relationship with Your Boss

You must first understand and accept that your relationship with your boss is the most important relationship you have at work. Most people expect our boss to manage us, but if you think for a moment about the pressures the boss is under, you will realize that most successful people manage their boss effectively.

1) Agree on the Boundaries

By this, I mean agree on the standards and outputs expected and avoid leaving things to chance. Agree on reporting lines, for example, who do you report to when the boss is not around? Does the boss require daily or weekly reviews?

2) Manage Your Boss's Time

Remember that while your time is entirely devoted to your boss, do not expect your boss's time to be entirely devoted to you. Does your boss maintain a diary? If not, introduce one; if so, then book time to meet with the boss (say a week in advance). Book a short period of time. Prepare and summarize data and present options, suggestions, and solutions to keep the meetings action-driven (no chit-chat).

3) Avoid Making Assumptions

Most bosses are busy working on their own priorities and often forget that one of their areas of effort is their own people. Never think that they know more than you do; you were hired for your expertise, and the boss was hired to manage a team of experts. Develop yourself; after all, it is YOUR dream job!

4) Be a Problem Solver

Don't moan or whinge about problems, and never dump your problems on the boss. Develop your problem-solving skills. Analyze the data you have to gather facts; brainstorm the options (involve your peers) to eliminate and refine the options, then discuss the solution with the boss. Use positive words, for example: "Regarding the team away day, I've thought through the logistics," rather than "There is a major problem with the transport for the team away day."

5) Always Deliver

Always deliver what you promise to deliver or rather under-promise and over-deliver. Avoid delivering bad news without forewarning. Avoid bad surprises.

6) Develop a Relationship Based on Trust

Careless errors and poor quality of work will erode confidence and trust. Far too many people criticize their line managers, which results in a loss of trust when they find out (and they will, eventually).

7) Provide Constructive Feedback

Develop constructive feedback skills; stick to facts, state it behaviorally, and avoid being personal.

8) Accept Differences

Every individual has their frame of reference; this includes values, beliefs, standards, and views of the world. Accept these differences and work with them.

9) Increase Your Boundaries

Managers often assume that their staff will struggle if given a task outside their comfort zone. Enhance your knowledge and skills, then let the boss know. ASK for increased responsibilities.

10) Celebrate

Make time to celebrate events that go well. We often make time to analyze when events fail, which is negative psychology. Use positive psychology in all working relationships and remember your Boss needs a positive stroke too! Provide positive feedback to ensure you maintain a successful team.

Aristotle once said, "We are what we repeatedly do."

Commit to managing your Boss, and you will repeatedly maximize your potential.

I know I have not given you a direct answer to your query, but I hope that some of the tips given will go some way in helping you to a better workplace environment. It will take time; there is no overnight solution, but it will be worth it.

Hope this helps,

Regards, Harsh

I can completely empathize with you as I was also going through the same situation. However, in my case, things became so severe that I had to escalate it to my CEO to get a solution. As I loved my job, I did not want to leave just because of one person. Now, after my request, I am being moved to a different department. Let me give you my suggestions based on the experience I have gained through all this.

Gathering Evidence

First, do not escalate to anyone unless you have solid proof with you. People can change statements and turn the tables against you in seconds.

Building Rapport

Do not expect your super boss to help you unless you have a good rapport with him or her. They will only support your manager if they have a good working relationship. You will only become the guinea pig in between them.

Importance of Documentary Evidence

Documentary evidence becomes very crucial in this situation. Wait for such instances again, as your manager is not going to change her behavior overnight. Try to collect some trail emails so that the entire conversation is intact.

Utilizing Company Resources

Go to your company website or policies and check for platforms like the Right to Speak or grievance redressal cell, if any, and understand how you can approach them.

Involving Colleagues

If your other colleagues are also facing these issues, try to bring at least 2-3 of them into confidence and ask them also to start collecting evidence.

Handling Subordinates

Be careful of that subordinate of yours. She should never come to know of anything. I have seen a lot of such 'chamchas,' and in fact, they are dangerous. So be friendly with her and do not let go of anything.

Seeking Advice from Seniors

See if you can talk to any senior person in your organization who will genuinely hear you out. It can be in any other department. Maybe you can get some suggestions on how best to tackle this situation. You may also get some other information from them, like whether anyone else has faced similar issues in the past or if anybody has complained against her earlier, etc., which can make your case stronger.

Waiting and Observing

First, wait for a few more days and see if there is any change in her behavior after you apply the practical tips given by the seniors here on improving communication and documenting things robustly and tactically.

Exploring New Opportunities

See if there is an opportunity to move to a different role or assignment so that you do not need to report to her if such an option is available. In that case, don't blame anyone. Just tell them that you want to learn something new and move on silently.

Preparing to Escalate

If there is no improvement, then be prepared to escalate it to the next level. Be really strong and believe that you are doing the right thing. Also, tell yourself that you are not doing anything wrong and just taking a corrective measure as you do not have a congenial environment to work, which is very well your right. All of you, including your boss, are working for the company, and it is the company that has hired you and is paying your salary, not her.

Cautious Communication

Also, just be cautious of all your communications with her now as she can also come back with some other evidence against you if required. See that things are foolproof from your end.

All the very best to you.

It's a difficult situation, but with time, their acceptance of you as a colleague will grow naturally. Firstly, you will have to accept them as colleagues. Don't rush to be friends. Keep all communications professional.

Concentrate more on your work and try to deliver good results every time. Also, keep a check on where you could be trapped, and maintain clean communication records to support your positions in these matters.

For example, do not complain or fight about decisions you strongly disagree with but are out of your authority. Keep constructive towards the decision, but do keep a record of your suggestions against it. So, if it works out, you are a team player. If it doesn't, nobody can badmouth you! This shuts off the back-stabbing from subordinates. If you never fail, they never get to complain. Eventually, they would have to stop.

Your good performance would increase dependency on you, which would automatically reduce the clashes with superiors. Some people might not accept you right away, but at least the criticism will reduce.

This has to be continued until you make your own unique and undeniable position in the organization. It will surely be a struggle to maintain good performance in such an environment, but at least you will be facing known and accepted enemies:

1. **Miscommunication:** If you think there is miscommunication between you and your boss, try to improve on that front. When you work together for some time, you would be able to predict her thought lines and her moods. Try to adjust your responses accordingly. Then you only have to work on the proper and clear communication means.

2. **Dependency:** Keep minimum dependency on your subordinate. Keep a strict review of her work and efficiency. Do not complain, but keep reporting these statistics in periodic reporting.

3. **Reporting:** Report what you are doing without fear of receiving criticism. If you report inefficiency of a subordinate, also report your recovery plan and execution results along with it. "All's well that ends well." Do not forget to take your share of credit for the well end, without giving others the opportunity to snatch it away or blame it on some minor issue.

4. **Professional Attitude:** If you demonstrate that these things do not bother your performance, they will reduce. "Good living is the best revenge." Nobody can beat that... :-)

Best Regards,

Amod.