How Can I Politely Decline My Former Boss's Persistent Requests for Help?

Good morning to all members.

Kindly help me out.

I had left my previous firm due to the non-ethical and non-cooperative nature of my previous boss. Despite this, he used to help me whenever I required leave during my exams, adjusting accordingly. However, I resigned when he began mistreating me, transferring me to the Accounts Department and reducing my salary. Frustrated, I left the job and joined another firm. During my Full and Final settlement, he promised me my bonus amount on Diwali, which he did not provide. He then stated, "You were in HR and you don't know the rules; I won't pay your bonus," speaking rudely. Due to my nature, I did not react.

Now, he is contacting me again, asking for help with his work. I keep my phone on silent mode, but he persists by sending emails requesting assistance.

Seniors, please help with how to avoid him. I do not wish to communicate with him, but I cannot be rude to anyone. Please suggest how to politely decline his requests and stop his calls and emails.

Thank you.

Krishna,
A few suggestions for you to use them as you see fit.

1. Never bad-mouth your previous boss - no matter how bad he/she really was. There are always ways to say that politely - "He/She is an excellent manager, I learnt many things from him/her. However, there were certain areas we disagreed on, due to which we had to part ways amicably. I still look up to him/her as a leader and mentor is many areas." etc.etc.
2. If you think you cannot be rude to anyone, think again. Are you sure you are not being rude to this manager who is calling you (and you are not taking his calls, or returning his calls), and sending you emails (and you are not responding)? In many professional circles, that is considered incridibally rude. Being verbally rude is unprofessional and childish. However, in professional world, not returning someone's calls or emails in a timely manner is very rude.
3. I am not sure if you have ever actually spoken to him and expressed your inability to go work for him. Have you done that? If you have, think about how that conversation went. Have you been absolutely clear with him that you don't want to work for him? Or have you made excuses for not working for him and left a door open (saying, I would have done it if I had time, but I don't have it right now). If the case is later (left a door open), then that could be a reason why he is calling you (to check and see if you now have time and can come work for him).

So, bottom line, here is what I would do if I were you. Next time he calls, I take that call and have a very polite, respectful, but candid conversation with him. Let him know categorically that you cannot and will not go and work for him for the reasons you had mentioned. At the same time, make sure he understands that you respect him as a person and are thankful for the help he has given you. However, some of his actions go directly opposite to your principles and hence you cannot work for him.

Please do not, do not, make any personal attacks on him. "I disagree with your actions, not you", or "Your actions caused me concern. You are a great person to be around and learn from. I highly appreciate and am thankful for all the help you have given me. However, I disagree with some of your actions and therefore, I cannot work for you. I value you as a person and would like to talk to you and seek guidance in the future as well. However, I request that we not talk about working for you again". Something in these lines would be helpful and accomplish two things – 1. Communicate a clear message without being personal/insulting/rude; 2. Does not burn bridges

Hope this helps.

All the best!
Regards,
--Som G

Thanks for your suggestions - Som Sir, Ravi Sir.

I would like to clarify that:

1. I always pick up the call and answer politely, but I don't want to be taken for granted, like the HR Manager does. When he wants, he keeps me in the HR department, and when he doesn't want me, he sends me to another department, reducing my salary. Although he knows that I am very hardworking and not hardly working.

2. I had also requested him that I don't want to go to any other department, but still, he sent me there. The only reason being that he prefers girls to be his assistant.

3. When I was in another department, he asked me to provide training to all staff on MS Office. And even now, when he needs to work on Excel sheets, he calls me for help. Once, I helped him as he was my previous boss.

4. I don't have any respect for such a boss who seeks help from ex-staff after insulting them and not keeping his promises.

Hi,

The ball is in your court now, so play with it smartly. There is no harm in asking him for your dues; nobody does a job for charity. Correct me if I am wrong. Ask him to pay you the due amount of bonus as well as the amount of salary as per your earlier CTC.

Good luck!

Hi all,

Out of all the points, you have to understand one golden corporate rule: "Boss is always right." I was exactly in the situation where you are in. I was one step further treated badly, and I was terminated from the office. I had a spot award last month, and this month I got terminated. So, my conclusion is to adjust with your boss unless you can stand on your own or find a way out (opening). Then you can give it back to him in the same coin or ignore him.

So, please act very slowly and intelligently. The reason is he has nothing to lose, and you are losing the battle badly. Let me know if you need any help.

Cheers,
Muralikrishna.S

Thanks for the suggestion. But in my case, I have resigned from the job, and even after resigning, my ex-boss is still calling and asking for help. Once, he even asked me to buy something for his wife, which is not appropriate, and I did not fulfill that request.

Hi Krishna!

I would suggest the following:

1. Tell your ex-boss that you will come to help him when he clears all your dues.
2. After he does that (if he does), you can visit him once and make him understand once and for all that you cannot do this any further as your present job is very demanding, and you don't have enough time left after the office.
3. Stop attending his calls after that.

Regards,
Ananya

Krishna,

Not just HR Assistants, but no employee must suffer harassment from their managers. I am not sure of the legal protection against general harassment in India (I know there are labor laws against sexual harassment, but not sure of general harassment), but there are strict laws against any kind of harassment in the US. Nonetheless, harassments do occur of any nature in any legal system (US or India or any other country). While it cannot be 100% prevented, it is up to the individual who is being harassed to decide how (s)he wants to react to it.

Two things here -

1. You can clearly articulate your thoughts, concerns, intentions, and future course of action to your ex-manager and request him respectfully/politely, but firmly, to stop trying to engage you - make it clear that you are not in a position to (or inclined or obligated to) respond to him.

2. If it doesn't stop, a simple way is to either change your phone number (probably not very practical because there may be a lot of important people who may already have your number and changing your number can be a hassle), or selectively block his number.

At the same time, make no mistake - if you lay back and take the harassment without complaint and silently suffer, you are just as guilty in the harassment situation as the person who is harassing you.

Here is an absolutely last resort option. If every civilized and polite attempt fails, then you can take the extreme step of lodging a complaint in the labor forum (is there one such in India?) or the police, to obtain a restraining order. I am hoping it won't get to that - because it might result in a personal backlash to your career (depending on how well-connected in the industry this person is).

Any step you take, make sure you protect yourself and also not be beaten down.

Hoping the best for you.

Regards,
-Som G

Krishna 01,

Hello Prix....

Thanks for your comment. Are HR Assistants granted to suffer the harassment of HR Managers? And no complaints should be done.

Dear Krishna Ji,

I have a suggestion. When your ex-boss writes an email to you, you can respond by stating that you cannot work for their company because you are currently employed elsewhere and are satisfied with your job there. However, since you have previously worked for their company, you can recommend a friend who could potentially fill your position. By doing so, you can also assist your ex-boss in finding a suitable candidate for the role.

Best regards,
Rakhi

You can also reach me via email at rakhianu2007@rediffmail.com.

Thank you for your suggestions.

I spoke to his assistant yesterday and informed her that I cannot do the work. I also requested to stop calling me for any work. Until now, I haven't received any calls.

Krishna,

I have seen all your questions and received answers. It is to be understood by you that he is now realizing your absence and appreciating your work, as he is calling. Probably, due to outside pressure, he may have transferred you. So, in my opinion, it is not harmful to help him when he calls, considering he helped you in your time of need.

Hi Krishna,

I understand what you are trying to say. But for your good nature, please start thinking this way - irrespective of whether the boss was bad or good to you, you may be the kind of person who is willing to help people if it's within your limits. But if it's not convenient or uncomfortable - just tell him, "Sir, I am happy you got in touch with me for this; however, I am a little tied up with my current job and a few other personal issues that need immediate attention. So let me do this - I shall get in touch with you when things are fine at my end, otherwise, I may not be able to help you at all."

Or, if possible, just talk over the phone on how to get it done and leave it.

Or, tell him politely and just ignore his calls if he tries reaching you. If you pick up also - just tell him you are in the middle of something and you will revert.

Or, simply change your number :-) - okay, that was on a lighter note.

Please note that you need to say NO at the right place; otherwise, people will take you for granted. Your boss only gave permission and adjusted with your exam schedules - that too when you were working for him. But did he write his exams for you? No, right - just leave it.

Hi Krishna,

I also agree with Mr. Ramachandran. What's there if you help anyone, that too your old boss? Furthermore, you may receive help from him, so don't break the relationship. You can even clear your old bonus in a polite way.

So, all the best.

Ramnath

You would have to handle this situation smartly. Since you have previously worked for him for a significant amount of time, it would not be wise to damage your relationship with your ex-boss. Politely conveying to him multiple times that you are unable to assist him should resolve the issue. If he is astute, he will cease pursuing you after several polite refusals.

Furthermore, considering that your bonus and other outstanding payments are still pending from his side, I do not believe it would serve as motivation to continue working for this individual.

Hello Ramachandra Sir,

Even I know that Ex-Boss is realizing my absence, but he is only responsible for the same. I had done all the work given to me. But it is also his responsibility to pay the dues.

Hi,

Just tell him smartly that you are busy with your present work and as per your current company norms, you can't work for other outside individuals. Therefore, you are unable to help him.

All the best.

Yes, I am busy with my present work. But the ex-boss calls after 6 or 6:30 and asks for help. If he asks me for any formula, I even tell him over the phone. But now he is calling me in the office, and that too after office hours, after the work has been done by his assistant. She also called me and expressed that she is very disheartened due to this act.

Regarding myself, I find it difficult to say no directly. Sometimes, I don't pick up the call. Now, I am planning to change my number. I think he won't clear my dues either.

Dear Krishna,

I strongly agree with Mr. Som G in his ways for behaviors and courtesies to be followed in the corporate setups. But, I feel to be honest in one fact that you were a valuable HR person; unfortunately, your ex-boss was not able to understand it while you were working with him. I think he feels a vacuum when you left him (that may be one reason). Some other point I want to add is you may know his HR better even better than him. He may try to negotiate sometime just because of it. The only thing I would do if I were in your place is to take his calls calmly and try to convince him that you will never advertise his secrets. One more humble request for you: never try to go back and help your ex-boss.

Thank you.

Hi,

I would like to suggest that by avoiding somebody, you cannot find a solution. Reply to them professionally through email. Ignoring emails does not sound good. Try to avoid answering the phone but promptly reply through a message. Also, try to complete the full and final settlement. If you start avoiding the person, they might not support you in your settlement. First, handle your work politely; then, you can honestly explain that your current company does not allow you to work for any other company, either partially or fully. Never agree to work for them, as it could lead to problems. Your current company might find out, causing harm to you. Play smartly.

Dear Krishna,

Your case is really critical. As Soma said, you have to react to his calls politely, but it is not always possible when a person did not support you in your career. But, what exactly do you want? Are you still expecting that due amount from him, or are you not expecting anything from him as well as not wanting to help him as he didn't support you?

In both cases, you have a solution. If you are looking to get your money back, just send him an email asking for your bonus/salary/whatever is due, and wait for his reply. If his reply is positive, take a printout of that email and go to his office with someone who can support you.

If he says no to your email, you need not think about whether you have to help him or not. If he is irritating you with emails, block his ID. If he is irritating you with calls, call the call center and ask them to block calls from his number.

We learn many things from people at each stage, whether they are good or bad. You might have learned from him how to avoid people. The same message that you quoted here about your ex-manager, send it to your ex-manager, saying that you were disappointed and cannot help him, sir.

We are professionals; we can't be rude; we should become role models for our juniors and subordinates. Success is a state of mind. If you believe in yourself, then you will be successful. Success and excuses do not walk together.

All the best.

Regards,

Kalpana
Hyderabad

Please read the book "Don't Say Yes When You Want to Say No" by Hebert Fensterheim, Ph.D. (Making life right when it feels all wrong). This will help you to change your life.

Dear Rajkumar ji,

It seems he finds it difficult to make decisions, and that is not a weakness. It comes with experience. He has to change from the "submissive" type to the "assertive" type. In that context, I suggested the book. The skill to make quick and correct decisions and to convey the right message in the right spirit comes only through experience. He could have politely yet firmly stated that he is preoccupied and hence cannot spare any time.

Dear forum member,

When we are young, we believe that saying no is equivalent to being "bad." Please disassociate these two from each other.

When your ex-boss next calls you, suggest the following:

"Sir/(Name), I am not very sure why you continue to impress upon my time with matters of my previous employment. This is affecting my present assignments. It would be great if you could avoid making these calls in the future."

If the call continues, you can use this script the next time:

"Sir/(Name), we have discussed this once earlier, but I guess I was not very clear! If you want me to stop taking your calls, let me know. I am now a little busy, however, you can call me @ (give a very inconvenient out-of-office time!)"

If calls continue further, make a formal complaint to his boss.

Do let me know if this was helpful :)

Hi,

Warn him that you will go to Labour court if he not clear your dues. Even then if he don't clear your dues and u don't want to go to Labour court, write a draft containing heading, "Employees harassed by his boss in <name of company>" write help of seniors n friends. Address to Labour department, CC to news paper agencies. Write a letter to the MD that ur dues are not cleared n if company not cleared the dues u'll get this publish in news paper. Every company worries abt its image, so i assure you that company will clear your all dues. Even in my college life at the time of graduation, i've published the name of my college & director when they started deducting unofficial amount from refundable security. And they immediately refunded whole amount of all students.

Same thing I used in a company also. I've worked in a small company in Delhi. There I faced same situation. Company not paid the salary for 3 months by saying that it is not getting business. I got the salary by doing that.

I wish t8 ur dues to be cleared soon.

Regards,

Aditya Bhargava

Mb. 9997997097

Hi,

I think you should be very clear to your previous boss because one should be very relaxed, easy, cool, and motivated in his office work. Rude behavior can't help you stay motivated, and this is a natural aspect of humans that is hard to change. There is no guarantee that by adding your previous boss, you will only get demotivated and frustrated. So, be clear with your previous boss that you don't want to work with him.

Goodbye

Never tell NO to anyone. To be a successful HR Manager, learn how to say NO to anyone. If we learn how to say NO, our success elevator starts. Without hurting your ex-boss's personal feelings and without tarnishing the respect for his position, convey your NO to him politely. Who knows, he may join you in your new organization as your boss. Explain to him about your inability or feelings in his free time, when he can spare some time to listen to your feelings. With warm regards,

S. Bhaskar
9908732667

Hi Kirishna,

I am very sorry to say that from my point of view, one thing I presume is that there are reasons on your part which you did not quote here regarding why he is calling you for help even though you left your job, which is quite surprising. If, as you mentioned, it is due to your nature that you cannot say no to him, then you may help him. Otherwise, you should muster the courage to say no. Sometimes, a simple no is the solution to the problems.

Dear Som,

I really liked your suggestions. As far as point 1, "Never bad-mouth your previous boss - no matter how bad he/she really was," is well said. However, at the same time, we need not artificially appreciate or speak positively about the boss either.

I think Krishna has received enough good tips from various people to decide on his course of action.

Ragesh
OD Consultant & Trainer
Chennai

Hi pal,

Being too diplomatic has a problem; he would tend to see you as a weak person. At times, it takes putting your foot down. The other way is to ignore his calls, and I promise he would stop. Don't feel bad; it's a small life, and very soon, all this will never even be a distant memory.

Hello KC,

"Do not badmouth your ex-boss" or the current boss; it does not mean "Say good things about your boss even if they are not true." If you do not have anything good to say about someone, it's better to keep quiet than badmouth them, as doing so reflects poorly on you rather than the person you are criticizing. In situations like interviews where you may be asked to describe your previous boss, especially if they were notoriously bad, it is essential to respond diplomatically. For example:

Q: Describe your previous boss.
A: Working for my boss was a great learning experience for me. Every day I worked for him, I appreciated the opportunity to observe him up close and learn how to be a good boss.

The key is in the perception of the individual answering the question and how the response is framed. One does not have to praise someone they dislike, but refraining from badmouthing is crucial.

The bottom line is, if I were your hiring manager and you speak negatively about your previous manager, even if I know they were not a good manager, my immediate concern would be, "This person might speak ill of me and damage my reputation when they leave my team."

Regards,
Som G

Dear Som,

I really appreciated your suggestions. Regarding point 1, "Never bad-mouth your previous boss - no matter how bad he/she really was," is well said. However, at the same time, there is no need to artificially praise or speak positively about the boss either. I believe Krishna has received sufficient advice from various people to determine the best course of action.

Ragesh
OD Consultant & Trainer
Chennai

Of course, the answer I gave above to the "Describe your boss" question may inevitably give rise to another question - "Then why did you leave (are leaving) his team?". Make this answer personal to you rather than to the company or the manager you worked for.

A: I believe I outgrew my role there and want to expand my horizons. Or A: The organization's goals for the future and my goals for my own future grew apart. So, I am seeking employment in an organization whose goals I can align my goals better with. This answer may inevitably give rise to another question ("So, what are your goals for your future?"). With this question, you have successfully brought the focus of the interview back to "you" from "your previous boss or company", because the interview is really about you - not your previous boss or company.

Alright... this is a whole different topic (How to effectively handle interviews) ;-) So, I will stop right here... :-).

Regards, -Som G

I always go for informative interactions because 'Knowledge Grows When Shared'. But when you feel his act as harassment, then 'polite refusal' is the only answer. OR to extract your outstanding amount, you may cooperate until that limit. This is purely your choice.

Just think that the world is a very small village these days, and all your exes are your well-wishers and friends. Have you heard of 'pre-employment verification from all previous employers and educational institutions'? The answer to your problem is hidden here also.