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sunayna
12

hey..this thread needs a restrt

looks like everyone forgot abt this


WAYS TO HAVE FUN IN THE WORKPLACE:

(DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME....ONLY AT THE OFFICE)


Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear

them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your

boss is of a different gender than you.

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to

them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky."

"No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there,

Cha-Cha."

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're

doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as

much since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call

everyone Marge.

Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge

to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself

randomly the whole way.

Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're

waiting for your document.

Every time someone asks you to do something, anything,

ask them if they want fries with that.

Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an

intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to

settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized

chair-dancing.

Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the

lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found

none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster

than that.

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone

has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

:)

From India, Mumbai
Ajmal Mirza
35

Hi Sunayna....

I am back... and it is nice that you have been rocking the forum as usual...

These quotes were taken from actual naval employee performance evaluations in Staffordshire
  • Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig

    His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity

    I would not allow this employee to breed

    This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be

    Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

    When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet

    He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle

    This young lady has delusions of adequacy

    He sets low personal standards then consistently fails to achieve them

    This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot

    This employee should go far and the sooner the better

    Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together

    A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus

    He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless

    He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier

    I would like to go hunting with him sometime

    This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar

    He's been working with glue too much

    He would argue with a signpost

    He has a knack of making strangers immediately

    He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room

    When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell

    If you see two people talking and one looks bored he's the other one

    A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens

    A prime candidate for natural deselection

    Donated his brain to science before he was done using it

    Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming

    Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it

    If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week

    If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change

    If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean

    It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm

    One neuron short of a synapse

    Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he just gargled

    Takes him 1 and 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes

    The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead

    The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship

    I would not breed from this Officer

    He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction

    He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle

    Technically sound, but socially impossible

    This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere

    When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably

    He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age

    This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better

    In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet

    Some lines sourced from "Jackspeak: The Pusser's Rum Guide to Royal Navy Slanguage" by Rick Jolly, 1989.

From India, Ahmadabad
Ajmal Mirza
35

Hi Sunayna

No need to restart the thread..... This seems to be working great... here's one more

A Public Servant

A Public servant dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the Angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you!'

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Public servant sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.'

'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. 'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!'

The Public servant is awe-struck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.'

'That's simply impossible son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets.'

BOOM BOOM now stop reading this and get back to work!

From India, Ahmadabad
Pallavi
2

hey ppl, nice stuff.... really put a smile on my face on a Monday Morning! my contribution is here .... hope the attachment opens... Cheers Pallavi
From India, Pune
Attached Files (Download Requires Membership)
File Type: ppt salary_theorem_202.ppt (466.5 KB, 1040 views)

priyaa
Hi Ajmal, This is priya :icon1: . I am a new member in this forum, am working as a hr in chennai. Ur jokes on management is really nice keep posting. priyaa

Ajmal Mirza
35

Here goes one more..... real life story.....

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Authority) loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

The lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope ... you find His original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our ... loan?"

From India, Ahmadabad
Ajmal Mirza
35

Hi $uN@yN@

I have come back... but still am not able to dedicate as much time as before to CiteHR... Still here is something to contribute..

Some laws we know are true to the office work

Heller's observation :

I love work. I can sit and watch it done for hours.

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor :

People are always available for work in the past tense.

Benchley's Law :

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it is not the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.

Clyde's Law :

If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.

Crane's Rule :

There are three ways to get something done:

do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Weiler's Law :

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Moer's Truism :

The trouble with most jobs is the resemblance to being in a sledge dog team. No one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog.

Cannon's Comment :

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in a hard days work.

From India, Ahmadabad
sunayna
12

2 rules for a good relationship with ur boss 1 - BOss is always right. 2 - if u disagree, go back to the first one.
From India, Mumbai
bala1
20

An Honest Excuse!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bala
From India, Madras
Attached Files (Download Requires Membership)
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sunayna
12

hi psyched... real goood one i guess the company beleives in honesty is the best policy. :P
From India, Mumbai
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