How Should I Handle Hurtful Comments from Colleagues About My Appearance?

Today, as I was walking into the office (I am the HR person at this location), my boss made a comment about how I have been dressing colorfully and how he wants to give me the title of Khushboo of our office (a reference to a plump heroine, as I am also a plump person). Then, another colleague said he thinks Jayalalitha suits better.

I told this to my vertical head, and she advised me to confront them and tell them that they should not make any such comments in the future. She also mentioned that she will report the matter to our head.

My fiancé, after hearing this, feels that I should email them or react strongly. I feel so angry, and my self-esteem is at an all-time low. Should I message them? Mail them? Talk to them directly?

It is really a nasty and dishonest comment on the colleague. No one should spare this by just looking at them in great anger. Being a boss to an HR official, he shouldn't pass those comments that easily.

My suggestion for you is to report this to your higher authority through an email. Also, you should demand an apology. Your management should issue a warning letter to those people and also a show-cause notice.

Regards,
Ravichandra Paanem

Your vertical head is correct; you should have confronted it at the very moment. You should address your concerns to your higher management through an official email. Since you are in HR, also seek their help or advice to curb such nuisances of passing lewd comments and making the atmosphere unpleasant. Please also refer to any policy you have in this regard. If you do, you can issue a show cause notice asking for an explanation for such misconduct.

As of now, I think your vertical head can issue an oblique "sensitization" notice for all. The wise will get a hint. If it continues, you may resort to more forthright measures suggested above.

While your feeling low is understandable, sometimes people are just not aware if their comments hurt. So have a confrontation only if required.

Thank you for your valuable comments. I would like to write here about how I dealt with the situation, which may be right or wrong, but I still want to post it here.

After a whole day of contemplation, I decided that I just had to have a decent, non-emotional confrontation with my boss. I went to his cabin and told him I needed to talk to him about the comment he made. He was defensive and said it was a harmless comment and his usual way of communication. I told him clearly:

1. That, in your understanding, it is harmless, but for the person on the receiving end, it could be perceived differently.

2. You being in a leadership position, if you resort to this, it sets a bad example for the rest, and their comments could be lewder than yours.

(Then he was like 'good point' in a very patronizing way.)

3. I also told him that if he thinks it's so harmless, he should try making the same comment to another woman and gauge the reaction (Unnecessary statement).

Initially, he refused to apologize, staring at me as if to say, "You've made your point; you can leave." However, when I made these points, he said, "I apologize if I have hurt you." I am quite appalled that he did not even realize the inappropriate nature of his comment.

As for the second individual, I could not confront him because he speaks only the local language, and I was concerned that I might not be able to convey my message accurately. So, I wrote him a simple email stating, "I would appreciate it if you refrain from making personal comments about me, like the one you made this morning," to which he responded with 'Sorry.'

Following Mr. Hardeep's advice, sensitization would be my next step. Meanwhile, I have reported this incident to my senior, and she has informed the Head of HR. I am grateful for all the responses. There was a part of me that doubted if I was making a mountain out of a molehill, but the replies here gave me the courage to move forward.

Well done, Anonymous. Your actions were well in keeping with the severity of the situation, without blowing it up. It is good to not let people get away with such comments while at the same time not blowing it out of proportion. So kudos to you.

Regards,
Gokul

I share your emotions. However, I caution you against adopting a confrontational attitude, as it might lead to becoming a "laughingstock." What will you do when your colleagues giggle behind your back as you pass by or in your absence? Such occurrences are common in families, workplaces, and public settings. It's not feasible to pick quarrels with every individual engaging in such behavior.

I recommend that you try to enjoy the atmosphere in a lighthearted manner. If you are still concerned, perhaps have a one-on-one conversation with those involved and kindly ask them to refrain from referring to you in a derogatory manner, as it hurts your feelings. I believe many of them would understand and stop. For those who persist, it may be best to ignore them rather than engage in confrontation.

Approach the situation with a positive attitude and consider working on reducing your weight, as this may naturally eliminate such references and earn you appreciation from everyone. How are your family members and other friends responding to this situation? Are they supportive?

Addressing Inappropriate Behavior in the Workplace

This kind of behavior by an executive is outrageous. In my country, this would result in immediate dismissal, and the person would be liable to be arrested. Would this not amount to sexual harassment or verbal/mental harassment in India? Is there not a human rights agency where you can address this issue? Allowing these individuals to go unpunished could embolden them to engage in even more egregious actions. It is imperative that you address this issue firmly and hold them accountable.

I do agree with the views above and disagree to some extent. It is a normal practice in the office that each and every employee wants to pass comments on their fellow colleagues, but how far should it go?

Some may take it sportively, and some may take it seriously. We heard in our media that an employee in Bangalore has committed suicide by not bearing the comments of her fellow colleagues as she is fat. Whom should we hold responsible?

Quotations may work to some extent, but if the same employee is sensitive and can only receive but cannot fight against it, what can be done?

The Role of HR in Addressing Workplace Harassment

Here, the HR person is at the receiving end, and what about the other employees? How far can it go? The HR employee has to frame a policy to restrict such practices in the workplace, keeping the environment friendly without allowing one employee to harass another. This way, the harassing employee has to think twice before commenting.

As mentioned above, the office employee commented on being fat and responded quickly by talking to their seniors. If another person could not respond and silently bears the agony, who is responsible? The HR department has to frame a policy where they can initiate steps to stop such harassment and also impose punishments like withholding increments or other measures.

You dealt with the situation very well. I totally disagree with people saying, "these things happen," "will you fight with everyone," or "you should take it as a compliment." I think in such situations, one should confront the culprit at the very first instance. Official channels don't do any good, and nobody will support you. You have to deal with such incidents yourself.

You did the right thing by confronting them directly. You are brave.

One more point I would like to make is that one should not be emotionally vulnerable to what people say. It should not affect you if you think you are right. But it doesn't mean that you should let people say anything. Just take them head-on.

(views are based upon my personal experiences, although situations have been different)

Hi all,

With 26 years of experience in the private industry, it is not advisable to confront one's own boss, as the scene may get reversed. Instead of understanding the problem, the HR Exec. will be harassed for all petty reasons. Hence, one should talk to their boss who made the comment and get it resolved, trying not to repeat the same.

Regards

What you did was correct. But do not let it affect you in any fashion. I am aware that saying so is easy, whereas to forget and forgive someone for such a remark is not easy. If I were a lady and such remarks were made about me, I would not have spared the person, irrespective of the consequences. Maybe my response is due to my background. Once again, well done and hats off for not ignoring the incident. May God bless you.

Regards,
Col. Rathi

The action taken by the lady was, in my opinion, an appropriate response. I don't agree with the two extreme views here, one advocating no action and the other severe action. While we are all professionals, it must be noted that people will pass comments and have opinions; office gossip is a reality. I don't think the two accused had any malicious intent while making those comments, any more than a group of ladies in an office discussing their male colleagues. If there is anyone who believes that people don't gossip about their office colleagues, they are naive or foolish. Everyone talks about others, and any group will discuss office colleagues; the punishment here was for them being indiscreet enough to let the lady overhear them talking.

Regards,
Gokul

Importance of an Anti-Sexual Harassment Committee

Why is it that your company doesn't have an Anti-Sexual Harassment committee as prescribed under the law? Every company needs to have an Anti-Sexual Harassment committee as it is mandatory under the law. Kindly constitute an Anti-Sexual Harassment committee immediately to handle such issues in the future.

Regards,
Octavious

My dear friend, I read through all the suggestions. I would say the suggestions are an individual's opinion. My opinion is as follows:

Decide Your Feelings

First of all, decide for yourself whether you are really hurt, upset, or if it is that your female head's opinion has forced you to think this way.

Possible Actions

We cannot stop anybody from what they say. Yes! Either you keep quiet and enjoy being sullen, or if there is a harassment policy in your organization, take advantage of that.

Another possible solution may be that you write an email to them, sharing a copy with the female head you talked to.

"Start with reference to the particular day (please mention the date and time, if you remember). In a soft but straightforward language, narrate the incident to them. Tell them that they may have said it in a light-hearted manner, but this has hurt you. Mention that you respect them as your leader but express your current feelings. Let them know that as great leaders, they are supposed to understand their team members. In the last paragraph, mention that they now understand the situation and politely request them not to repeat it."

I could think of this particular mode. They may not repeat the incident, and the matter may not be aggravated.

Regards

I think nothing should be needed when you feel in a sportive way. If you are lean, people may try to command or criticize you, but remember that as you grow up, it is not right to point fingers at others. Don't be scared and don't care about their words. They are like passing clouds, so don't worry about them; just ignore them with your silence.

Addressing Inappropriate Comments

It is really nasty and dishonest to comment on a colleague in that manner. No one should overlook such behavior by just getting angry. As a boss or HR official, passing such comments should not be taken lightly.

My suggestion is for you to report this incident to your higher authority via email. You should also demand an apology.

Your management should issue a warning letter to those individuals and also send a show-cause notice.

Regards,
Ravichandra Paanem

Anonymous, I guess Anuradha is right in a way. Speak to them and tell them that you are offended by their remarks and move on. But I would not suggest threatening them. There is no use in playing hardball in this situation.

Consider Your Feelings and Options

First of all, decide for yourself whether you are really hurt, upset, or if it is that your female head's opinion has forced you to think this way. We cannot stop anybody from what they say. Yes! Either you keep quiet and sulk, or if there is a harassment policy in your organization, take advantage of that. The other possible solution may be that you write an email to them, sharing a copy with the female head you talked to.

Drafting an Email

"Start with a reference to the particular day (please mention the date and time, if you remember). In a soft but straightforward language, narrate the incident to them. Tell them that they may have said it in a light-hearted manner, but this has hurt you. Mention that you respect them as your leader but express your current feelings. Let them know that as great leaders, they are supposed to understand their team members. In the last paragraph, mention that they now understand the situation and politely request them not to repeat it."

I could think of this particular mode. They may not repeat the incident, and the matter may not be aggravated.

Regards.

I have read this thread with interest and wondered what advice experts would have given if a female boss had made a similar comment to a man. For example, had she said, "You seem to have started to dress up nicely like Raymond Burr in the Perry Mason series," or something to that effect.

Well done, Anonymous. You handled the situation with maturity. You made your point, and the others understood clearly how you wanted to be treated. If you do not have a policy on sexual harassment, please push for one immediately.