Is My Boss's Behavior Normal or Am I Doing Something Wrong? Seeking Guidance on Workplace Stress

I have a difficult boss whose attitude and behavior towards me are stressing me out no end. I need to know if this is abnormal or if it is something I am not doing right. Some examples would be:

1. Asking questions with the purpose of exposing my lack of knowledge about something. Sometimes that knowledge may not even be directly relevant to the task at hand, but when he figures out I do not know something, he goes on asking and then says something slightly insulting, like "You should know at least this."

2. I am a woman, and he discriminates against me with respect to certain projects. We had an argument over this where I tried to convince him, but he stayed put. It also could be colored by the fact that he thinks I am not 'knowledgeable.'

3. He does not defend me in meetings with the super boss/super super boss. If the smallest thing goes awry, he later uses the matter to belittle me and strengthen his poor opinion of me.

4. Unnecessary math quizzes - I am not very quick with mental calculations, and he's figured that out. Though this is in no way a key requirement of my job, he uses this simple trick to put me down in meetings when I can't answer within seconds.

I have tried to politely confront him, but it has not affected his behavior. On the other hand, his attitude towards my male colleague in the team is very friendly. I do not know whether this is his patronizing attitude towards women or something I am doing wrong as an employee. But working with him is never a cooperative task. It always feels like I have to keep watching my back!

Please guide.

Thanks

Your story echoes with one of my clients who faced similar discrimination. Here’s what I suggested to her:

a) If you are trying to figure out why your boss is behaving in this manner, forget it. There could be a hundred reasons, and no amount of research will help you in this regard. Accept the situation and make the most of it.

b) Give him a different treatment. If he says anything, don’t argue or try to prove your point. Just say, “You are right. Absolutely!”

c) Make the most of meetings and other public forums. Use humor to say difficult things like, “Well, that’s a tough calculation for me, and being my boss, could you do me a favor and calculate that for me?”

d) Be assertive in the real sense but use diplomacy to filter your assertiveness.

e) Write him an email with instances where you felt he belittles you.

f) Have a skip-level meeting with your super boss and show him that email. Seek guidance and don’t go with a complaint mode.

g) I am sure you are a person who minds her own business. Perfectly okay, but talk to your team members and see if there is anything you are missing.

h) Talk to a senior member of your company and tell him/her that you want it to be kept confidential.

i) Talk to your HR manager.

j) If everything fails, look out for a job.

Make sure that your work is on time and you are meeting your targets.

I am sure you would like to work for a boss who is your partner in your success and not a jerk!

Regards

Before we could suggest or offer our opinions, it's necessary and appropriate that you provide more information about yourself, your office, and your boss.

Questions to Consider

1. What are your age and that of your boss? Are you a fresher, and are you both married?

2. Do you report directly to him or through someone else in between? Where do you stand in the hierarchy?

3. What is the nature of your job and the activities/business nature of your firm?

4. Have you had any conflicts over trivial issues with him before that may have influenced his initial opinion of you?

5. Is there a disparity in qualifications between the two of you?

6. Are you close to others in your firm whom he might dislike?

7. Have you ignored him in public places or in the presence of others in the office?

8. Have you discussed this uneasiness with any of your colleagues, and if so, what were their comments?

9. Is the treatment you have received so far driving you to consider resigning? Is there a possibility of reconciliation with him? Have you discussed your difficulties with him one-on-one in the past? If not, why haven't you?

By answering these questions, you may gain clarity on your situation.

Navigating Difficult Boss Situations

There is an old adage: You can't choose your boss as well as your parents. With parents, you have to learn to live with them until you feel that you can live on your own. With your boss, you may have choices. There is no need to continue reporting to him and stay in the organization. But there is no guarantee that the new boss in a new organization is going to be a saint or an angel. It is possible you might land in fire, having shifted from the frying pan!

Hence, consider the options provided above by our learned professional friends! Best wishes.

I too am facing some problems with my boss. She is the executive chief, and she tends to scream at anyone in front of everybody, even for small things. Many employees are not satisfied with this kind of behavior. As I am an HR manager there, I want to address this issue due to my professional ethics. However, I am struggling to find a way to do so as she is the executive chief. Please provide me with some solutions. People are not comfortable with her and her attitude.

Regards

Understanding Your Workplace Dynamics

Before we can suggest or give our opinions, it's necessary and appropriate that you provide more information about yourself, your office, and your boss.

1. What are your age and your boss's age? Are you a fresher? Are you and he married?
2. Do you report directly to him or through someone else in between? Where are you placed in the hierarchy?
3. What is the nature of your job and the activities/nature of your firm's business?
4. Have you had any previous disagreements with him on trivial issues that might have influenced his opinion of you?
5. Is there a disparity in qualifications between the two of you?
6. Are you close to others in your firm whom he might dislike?
7. Have you ignored him in public places or in the presence of others in the office?
8. Have you discussed this uneasiness with any of your colleagues, and if so, what were their comments?
9. Is the ill treatment you are facing driving you to consider resigning? Is there a chance of reconciliation with him? Have you discussed your difficulties with him one-on-one in the past? If not, why not?

Probably you might get some clear ideas if you answer these questions and figure out where you stand.

Thanks for everybody's suggestions.

I am under 30, and he must be in his late 30s. Yes, I directly report to him. He is otherwise a socially inept person (does not have any friends in the office), and I have seen him act similarly (slightly rude, but not outrageous enough to warrant action) with another woman whom he probably looks down upon too.

I think he's biased both by my gender and my missing out on a promotion in an earlier team. However, his behavior is very different around openly aggressive colleagues, especially females. He appears genuinely scared of such personalities, which leads me to believe he's just a bully - taking out his frustrations on easy targets.

I did not directly address his attitude towards me and how it makes me feel because I thought I could impress him with my work ethic. Now, I am less concerned about him as I am already looking for other opportunities. However, I need to know if this behavior is common among many bosses so that I can learn to handle such situations better in the future without feeling overwhelmed. Thanks.

Regards

Good that you have started looking out. As far as my experience is concerned, bosses in general are not that way. Yes, there may be some characteristics that are a little difficult to handle, but we can't form a perception that all bosses are that way. All individuals are different, and so are bosses.

I have had some real bosses who made me feel appreciated, welcomed, and guided me well towards my career. I owe it to them for the valuable skills and wisdom they imparted.

I hope you get some nice supervisors in the future who will be real role models. All the best!

I am in no match with the seniors here. But what I took from your post is different from others' views. Have you first really checked within yourself? Are you doing perfectly and aligned with the goals of the organization or showing the boss that you are superior?

Understanding the Boss's Perspective

The first thing to remember is that the boss is responsible and answerable for completing the targets or departmental goals. He shall always look upon those positively who are aligned and will create a positive aura for his team. Being female doesn't matter. Have you discussed the agenda of the meeting with the boss and what you are going to represent well before the meeting, or did you just put up the presentation with the boss unknown to what is being shown?

Whatever points you have mentioned against the boss - I don't find anything abnormal in that. Always look on both sides of the coin. And lastly, if you are so confident - why not change the job? This is purely my view; others may differ.

Regards