Feeling Isolated and Mocked at Work: How Can I Connect with My Colleagues?

Dear Seniors, I need your help to come out of this trouble at my workplace. The story goes like this:

I joined this company 2 months ago as an HR executive. It's a small IT company with 20 people, and I am the only female in the company. All other staff members are very traditional and cannot communicate properly. They are all unprofessional and from villages. Somehow, I am not matching with them. Since joining this company, I have set up the whole process, documentation, implemented different policies, made required improvements, and started employee engagement activities.

So, I am gaining good learning experiences here, but somehow, I am not able to connect with these employees. I am trying to behave in a very professional and mature way, but these guys often make fun of me.

Many times in a day, without any reason, they just laugh or make fun of me. I initially ignored it, but now I am feeling really uncomfortable and insulted.

If I leave this job, it would feel like I am running away, and I don't want to do that. Please advise me on how to solve this issue.

Thanks

The following statement is making me feel that you are biased: "All other staff members are very traditional and cannot communicate properly. All of them are very unprofessional and from villages." Maybe this belief in your inner self is reflecting indirectly in your employee engagement activities as well. I am not denying the other side either—employees are not finding the relevance of HR, and as you are the only woman member, they could be trying to make fun of you.

Enhancing HR Skills

As an HR Professional, you definitely require the skill of getting along with people. You have the skill; that's why you were able to do a good amount of HR work there. However, you may need to further enhance the skill with continuous learning, listening, practice, giving credit, showing respect/concern, empathizing, etc.

Communication with Management

Have you ever discussed this with your boss or management? If not, probably that could also help—if the team is not finding any value in the HR Executive Role.

Regards

First of all, thank you for your views. I totally agree with you that I need to show patience. I am open to learning, and I know that I need to deal with such situations. So, I am trying to be nice to them, doing more welfare activities, and trying to support them. But still not getting any positive response, which makes me feel victimized.

Yes, I have talked with the management, and they have given me the right to address this issue among employees to maintain discipline. But I don't want to solve it in a harsh way or negatively. I really want to create a good HR image among them.

There is a lot of difference between being genuinely nice towards employees and making them feel that you are nice to them. Currently, you fall under the second category. Here are a few tips for you to overcome the situation you are facing.

1. Try to Get a Grip/Command on Employees
First of all, don't allow any employee to crack a joke or comment on you in your presence. Say no to them directly because, in order to be friendly with employees, you should not lose your self-respect.

2. Get Good Image Management
Be smart with them so that you will gain good support from them, and employees will think twice before commenting on you.

3. Take Them on Outings
Take them to resorts so that they can see employees of other companies. At least they might try to learn from them.

4. HR Should Be Friendly with Everyone
HR is not a friend to anyone but should be friendly with everyone. Please note this point and mingle with them accordingly.

5. Let Them Approach You
Don't approach them unnecessarily. Let them approach you even for small things. Then they will understand your value, and you can see a change in them.

Last but not least, never give up on what you really want to do. One person with a strong desire is more powerful than 100 undetermined persons.

Regards

Lalitha's post is excellent, particularly her point number 4. I would just add:

1. As the company is small with 20 people, the HR function is not being understood by the staff, who I presume were all there before you joined.

2. As the only female, you are not being taken seriously by the male-dominated staff. Therefore, your authority is not being recognized.

To correct the situation, I think you need to ask management to hold a staff meeting to explain why you were appointed, what is to be achieved, and the remit of your authority. You should then find that you are able to function effectively.

Do not allow anyone to make fun of you. If an incident occurs, take the individual to one side and privately tell him their behavior is unacceptable. By doing this, the individual will not feel belittled in front of others, and you will gain a little more respect. Do this every time an incident occurs, and you will soon notice the difference.

I hope this helps.

Regards,

Harsh

P.S. Please do share the results with the community.

Very long ago, maybe around 45 years from now, I came across an anecdote from the life of former American President Mr. Kennedy. It goes like this: Upon reading his name in the newspaper for the first time soon after Mr. Kennedy's election as President, the then three powerful leaders of Congo, namely Mobutu, Kasavubu, and Lumumba, were said to have burst into laughter exclaiming, "What's this funny name, Kennedy!" People are always like this. Rather than acknowledging their own shortcomings, mostly in workplaces, the majority of people, particularly those thought to be seniors because of their age and experience, resort to covert negative criticism of a young newcomer by engaging in acts like you mentioned. Just learn to laugh with them and forget.

Remember the pieces of advice given by Ms. Lalitha. Basically, an HR executive is a change agent. Always fully conscious of the primary purpose of their role in the organization, they should bring about changes patiently and gradually rather than succumbing to self-mockery and artificial disillusionment. Since you have the backing of the management, try to respond to these trivial obstacles instead of reacting.

Cheer up and go ahead!

Thank you, Harsh and Umakanthan. I'm trying to do the same. I understand that I'm taking this problem in an emotional way, which is not correct. It is all because there is no other female member, and I feel victimized. But now I will follow your suggestions, solve it very wisely, and share the results too. Thanks a lot, all of you.

I am sure the inputs shared in this forum will certainly help you handle the situation and respond appropriately. My personal advice is: do not take anything that is said or done by your colleagues personally. Stay calm and interact smartly and professionally. Lalitha rightly said, "HR is not a friend to anyone but should be friendly with everyone." Last but not least, it is always better to command respect rather than demand respect; only then will it last forever.

- Gia

It is such an ignominy to pass any derogatory comments by colleagues, especially towards females. Since you are the only lady with HR rights in documenting and implementing policies, there may be some in a group who feel envious.

- Don't view things based on personal demographics. Remember, they are neither your friends nor foes.
-  Smile as much as you can, even if they make comments. Those comments will not hinder your success. Address them later when you find them not performing at work.
- Ask questions if you feel ignored but want to know more; this encourages conversation.
-  Avoid small talks - Do you think someone making small talk about you will continue for days?
-  Eye contact is a form of positive connection. Socialize your actions, particularly regarding work-related issues.
- Finally, yet crucial, be confident in what you say or express - Many judge by words, not actions.

Check with these because as far as I know, this method makes me feel accomplished at the end of the day.

I have also worked in an organization that was a manufacturing concern, with a corporate office of 150 employees, and I was the only female there. What helped me was the guidance of my senior, which I would like to share with you.

Professionalism and Maturity

Firstly, always behave like a true professional with immense maturity in every single matter (be it your dressing sense, behavior with them, greeting in the morning, etc.).

Proving Your Worth in Small Companies

Secondly, in small companies, there comes an issue where people think HR has no work to do or they are non-productive, so try your best to perform well so that your contributions are recognized.

Maintaining Dignity

Last but not least, as earlier discussed in the thread, become friendly but not their friend. Always remember that dignity is something you should always take care of, whether it's about your profile or as an individual.

I hope you will come out of the situation soon.

Good Luck!!!

Regards, Yogita

As a female HRM, I empathize with your situation. I think you have received a good share of advice from the above posts. I would like to suggest you read up on 'Impression Management' from whichever source you can find. Sometimes, consciously or unconsciously, our actions and words will always cause people to form impressions of us, ranging from whether we are professional, novices, firm, fair, respectful, considerate, helpful, etc. Unfortunately, some impressions formed of us by others are never discussed directly, and we have no opportunity to explain or correct ourselves.

Understanding Stereotypes and Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

My advice is based on your comment, "all other staff members are very traditional and cannot communicate properly. All of them are very unprofessional and from villages. Somehow I'm not matching with them." Could it be that you have mental stereotypes of how village or traditional type people normally are and so are getting a 'self-fulfilling prophecy'—i.e., why act differently if she has already concluded on what we are? Or they too have a stereotype of 'young female/urban bosses/HR executives,' and the two parties are caught up in a cycle of sorts?

You might be surprised that while you may not have uttered such words to them, they can infer them from your attitude, communication style, or decisions you are making on a day-to-day basis. You have to determine first what impression you want your staff or seniors or even external parties to get of you as an HR practitioner—and then align your actions accordingly.

Finding a Way Forward

I hope you find a way out, and I like your attitude of 'not escaping,' but sometimes I believe if you have given it your best shot and still a job is beginning to affect your personality or health beyond a reasonable degree, then it is no crime to decide there is no cultural fit and find somewhere else where you enjoy your job and work environment—after all, we spend much time at work and deserve to be happy there too...

Good luck...

Regards,
Winnie

"I have set the whole process, documentation, implemented different policies, did some required improvements, started employee engagement activities..."

Shift the Focus from 'I' to 'We'

Shift the focus from "I" to "we"; you will find a sea change. In other words, involve your people while you implement changes in procedures/policies, etc.

Regards,
M.V. Kannan

All the members above have given excellent inputs and guidance on how to handle such a situation. I can only narrate a story from Buddha's life to remind you that this is not the first instance of its kind in this world, and even men of spiritual eminence like Buddha were not spared from such ragging by ignorants. More important to know is how they handled it.

Buddha's Encounter with Insults

The story goes like this: Buddha became more popular with his teachings among the masses, which basically brought awareness among people about fanatic beliefs. This angered the Pundits (Scholars) in the kingdom because nobody was paying attention to them. So the Pundits decided to insult and humiliate him in public so that people would stop going to him. On one fine morning, when Buddha sat under a tree along with his disciples and followers, engaging himself in a spiritual discourse, the Pundits came and called him names, showered abuses, and heaped insults on him. Buddha remained unmoved and smiled in his sleeves as he knew fully what made them vent their feelings, which was their insecurity. Having seen Buddha not reacting to them and having tired of their verbal attack (please know that anger consumes a lot of energy), they left the place. Thereafter, one of the disciples asked Buddha why and how he did not react or get annoyed. Buddha replied, "If someone comes to you and donates a coin, mistaking that you need it, if you accept and take that coin, it becomes yours, and if you refuse to take the coin, the coin remains with the person who tries to donate it."

The Moral of the Story

The moral of the story is self-management. Before trying to manage a difficult situation or bring about a change in attitudes, you need to first manage yourself or change yourself. You need to respond but not react to external stimuli. This internal or self-management is the key and equips you to be in a better position to deal with external unfriendly stimuli. Therefore, my suggestions to you are to first bring about a change in the way you are looking at the situation in the following manner:

1) First, be aware that anything new is resisted by anything traditional. If the change is beneficial and meant for the common good, finally it is going to be accepted.

2) Instances of this kind do not happen to you alone; they have happened from time immemorial, and they will continue to happen in the future also. Remember Umakanthan's anecdote.

3) It is an issue of attitudes and beliefs. You are already aware that the employees come from traditional backgrounds and do not communicate properly. If that is so, they cannot be expected to shed their deep-rooted belief system and embrace liberal attitudes overnight, but surely they will if the efforts are persisted in the right direction.

4) Explore yourself whether you need to change your attitude and the way you look at them. I would like to draw your attention to Winnie's suggestion and Mr. Kannan's suggestion to change the focus from 'I' to 'we.'

Having been aware of this background, do not take their remarks to your heart so that they will not hurt you and press your head in a provocative mood. Let them also know that you mean business but you are there to help them grow as well.

Towards this end, talk to your management to arrange a staff meeting with all the employees to inform them about HR and its objectives and to drive home the point that they all need to work together for the common good. I draw your attention here to Lalitha and Yogitha's suggestions. Do not go to management with a complaint against them, but with a suggestion as a measure necessary to induct employees into the work culture. Management may not like complaints against employees who are delivering goods for it. Involvement of seniors will drive home the point that the management has recruited you for a specific purpose and you have their backing.

If possible, arrange a day's workshop for the employees, inviting a professional to speak on new trends or problem-solving strategies related to their field of work. Such actions at the ground level make them accept HR and you as someone committed to their growth. Once that happens, they will treat you as a member of their team. Remember that the feeling that you are apart from them but not part of them makes them resort to such acts of teasing.

If all this fails, then you need to discipline them. Frame a workplace conduct policy and bring this to their notice.

You are capable of doing this since you have genuine enthusiasm towards HR.

Regards,
B. Saikumar
HR & Labour Law Advisor
Mumbai

I remember what my boss once said: Be polite but firm. The same idea is reflected in the saying "hand of steel in velvet gloves for a handshake." I suppose you need to practice this to some extent.