Please find below the new HR policies with immediate effect:
Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you aredoing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so thatyou may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to beand therefore you do not need a pay raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year. They are calledSundays.
Casual Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for deadfriends, relatives or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to thearrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour andsubsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use (Best One)
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper rollwill retract, the cubicle door will open, and
your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the HRIS underthe "Chronic Offenders" category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be investigated under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so thatthey can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal tomaintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Chaas.