How Do You Handle Your Own Arrogance? A Personal Story and a Simple Exercise

I had just finished my session on “ Interpersonal Skills “ to students of MBA , when one of the smartest boys whom I had seen anchoring programmes, approached me with a question and asked,” Sir, I want you to help me out to handle arrogance. I feel I am quite arrogant with my friends and others too.” Now handling a question like this when you are surrounded by many more students becomes a bit difficult. I told him that since he was a student who because of his talents appeared to be always in the limelight would naturally develop arrogance which could be the result of feelings of superiority that people around him had given. I told him that it would go with time and he should not bother much. But our friend insisted because he was quite upset with himself and expressed that he had troubled his parents too due to this arrogance.And I found tears in his eyes. Obviously as a person whom students looked at as an experienced person and who has been accepted as a mentor by some, I did not have an alternative but to answer his question. I started thinking. I too was facing similar problem as I had found myself too behaving pretty arrogant on occasions. I was myself not able to get the answer. And then suddenly as I have often experienced while writing poetry or some thoughts I received an answer God knows, from where, perhaps HE only sent, which appeared Ok. I found myself answering,” Look boy, whenever you find yourself getting arrogant with someone; try to look at something in him in which he would be better than you. It could be anything- a quality or a possession- anything… obviously, you find him/her better in that instance and the moment you feel like this you may find your arrogance diluted a bit. I think I too need to experiment this with you,” I found him looking at me with surprise. “ It's OK, we will try this and share next time,” I said and moved ahead. Trust me I am finding this small exercise useful. I have always found the other person better than me in some respect.. may be his height, his face, his clothes, his demeanour, his polish or some other thing and that has helped me become a little more respectful and kept me humble at times.

Hello Ramesh,

Good to see a point. Still better would be the following. Instead of creating an impression that others have something better than me, which may lead to inferiority complex and jealousy, we may take it one step ahead. Why don't we see that there is something which I can learn? For example, instead of noticing somebody's height, can we try to learn what is responsible for my admiration of them? Even as I observe people younger than me speaking better at this age, perhaps due to their convent education, can I still improve myself further? Sometimes, I notice that those whom I don't like are more assertive. Can I be like that? But how do I get there?

I think your solution is right. Maybe we can enhance the presentation. Thanks and regards,

Dear Mr. Rao,

Your views are welcome. Thanks a lot! Learning from others is indeed a way to improve. What I mentioned is the method one can adopt in an instant, in the moment one feels one is getting a bit arrogant. Perhaps, as a Soft Skills Trainer, you can give it a try and make a presentation. I would love to contribute with whatever I have learned on the way.

Dear Ramesh,

The very fact that the student you were referring to 'had tears in his eyes...' is not a sign of arrogance, but just a perception of the people around him. I strongly feel that his body language is inadvertently making him look arrogant, but he is not and needs corrections.

Regards, Colonel Jude.

Dear Colonel,

True, the fact that he says I need to improve shows that he is not really arrogant, but then we need to handle it based on the situation. He insisted that I give him a solution, and I am happy that he insisted because it helped me too.

Nice topic to discuss and get a solution, I believe.

From my views, I would rather say that "Humility is the true wisdom by which we prepare our minds for all possible changes in our life."

We should be in a position to love oneself first, be passionate towards anything we do, and not allow anyone to feel that ourselves are superior to other persons. That will stop this type of arrogance in anyone.

Practicing silence is one way of handling arrogance in ourselves.

Acceptance is another way of handling arrogance. Start accepting others as they are and never think twice or argue about anything. Just accept and be silent for some time, which can yield results to reduce the arrogance in anyone.

Acceptance comes only if there is love and compassion.

I am hereby sharing the Formula of Compassion which may help the person who had asked this question:

Step One: Aspect

Q: "What is the aspect of myself this person is reflecting back to me?"
Try to see and understand the aspect of yourself that the other person is reflecting back to you. They are your mirror, reflecting an aspect of yourself through their behavior. This step calls for brutal self-honesty, but it's well worth the effort. Sometimes, instead of reflecting an aspect of your behavior, they are reflecting something you judge. An example would be someone who steals from you. You may not be a thief, but you may be judging theft or people who are thieves.

Step Two: Gift

Q: "What is the gift this person is giving me by playing their role?"
Ask for help so you can see and understand the gift the other person is giving you by playing their role.

Step Three: Acceptance

Q: "Can I accept the role that this person has played, along with their actions, to help me learn this lesson?"
Acceptance is one of the four elements of unconditional love. Acceptance is part of compassion and is unconditional love in action. This also includes acceptance of who the person is, without judgment. You will find that if you are having a hard time with this step you can clear it by remembering they are a soul in a body, just like you, and you are helping each other with a lesson.

Step Four: Allowance

Q: "Can I allow myself to let go of my anger towards this person who played the role to help me learn the lesson?"
Allowance is also one of the four elements of unconditional love. Allowance is part of compassion and is unconditional love in action. This includes allowing the person to be who they are and to follow their chosen path, regardless of how you feel about it. By the time you've reached this step, you'll find it very easy to let go of anger towards the person because you are feeling the gratitude and compassion that comes from seeing the pain they suffered in playing their role for you. On another note: Allowance is easier to do when we let go of needing to control someone's behavior or choices for their own good. We tend to control people out of fear that their actions will hurt them and/or us. If we understand that everything has value, then we can begin to release our need to control because we understand that there will be value in each and every outcome.

Step Five: Release

Q: "Can I release this person from blame?"
This one is easy when you understand that you are not a victim. On the contrary, you are an active participant in a contract and lesson that you helped set up. Taking responsibility for your part in the contract enables you to release the other person from blame for the role they played to help you learn the lesson you wanted to learn. You understand that just as you are not a victim, nor are they a villain. And remember, it is much harder to play the role of a villain than it is to play the role of a hero. Releasing someone from blame is different from forgiving them. Forgiving someone is what we do when we feel they have sinned against us, as in being victimized. Release is the key element in the Formula. The release is created by your compassion for the other person.

Step Six: Kindness

Q: "Now that I have released this person, can I be kind to him/her, and if so, how can I do it and when will I do it?"
At this point, you may be feeling the intensity of the release through the heart. The degree of the feeling differs according to the emotional intensity of the issue. The more emotionally charged the issue, the more intense the release. By now, you will be filled with gratitude and compassion after reaching this step and your only thought is how to make amends and thank the other person/s. Now that you are feeling gratitude and compassion, by releasing the other person from blame and anger, you realize you can be kind to them. You are now ready for completion.

The two parts of Completion are: a) How will you show your kindness, and b) When will you do it?

The degree of the release is relative to the emotional intensity of the issue. The more emotionally charged the issue, the more intense the release. You will find this step to be quite emotional. Higher understanding fills you with gratitude and compassion and your only thought is how to make amends and thank them. This is quite an empowering feeling. Having released the other person from blame, you can now be kind and loving toward them, functioning as you are from a level of gratitude and compassion... otherwise known as a state of Grace. It's not necessary for the other person to understand how you reached this state of grace; all you need to do is thank them. Let them know you have learned a valuable lesson as a result of their interaction, and thank them for helping you to gain a better understanding of who and what you are.

Thanks

Regards,
Mahesh Thakku

That's wonderful Mahesh! Loved what you wrote... very enlightening and helpful. I am sure the effort as proposed by you would definitely give Humility a chance. Thanks again.

Thank you, Ramesh.

As the quote by our Mahatma goes, "Be the change you want to see in this world," we should always think of changing ourselves to see in this world, which is there in the movie Munna Bhai series, I believe.

Practicing this is very difficult, but once done, this is the simplest solution to all things in life and all the issues we face on a day-to-day basis.

For example, I will share an incident from my life at the office.

I am a project manager leading a team of engineers.

One of the team members was always adamant about keeping his workplace dirty and untraceable.

I advised him to change this and also warned him many times after that.

Despite this, he was not in the habit of keeping his workplace clean.

I started cleaning his table before he came to the office daily, and he did not know who was doing that. I kept all the papers in order, files in a rack, etc.

Later, I started appreciating him for keeping his table and desk clean.

He was ashamed and accepted that he was not doing that, and he was also surprised about it.

Later, I told him that someone who is his well-wisher might have done that.

From the next day, I saw him keeping his table clean as I had stopped the activity.

He also started telling his other peers to be neat and clean in the workplace.

This is the effect of the change we want to see.

Regards,

Mahesh TS

Maheshthakku
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Chennai
Posts: 32

Re: Handling Arrogance in Oneself.......

Thanks, Ramesh.

As the quote by our Mahatma goes, "Be the Change you want to see in this World," we should always think of changing ourselves to see in this world which is there in the movie Munna Bhai series, I believe.

Practicing this is very difficult, but once done, this is the simplest solution to all things in life and all the issues we face on a day-to-day basis.

For example, I will tell one incident from my life at the office. I am a Project Manager leading a team of engineers.

One of the team members was always adamant about keeping his workplace always dirty and untraceable. I advised him to change this and also warned him many times after that. Despite this, he was not in the habit of keeping his workplace clean.

I just started to clean his table before he comes to the office daily, and he did not know who was doing that. I kept all the papers in order, files in a rack, etc. Later, I started appreciating him for keeping his table and desk clean. He was ashamed and accepted that he is not doing that, and he was also surprised about that.

Later, I told him that someone who is his well-wisher might have done that. From the next day, I saw him keeping his table clean as I had stopped the activity. Also, he has started telling his other peers to be neat and clean in the workplace.

This is the effect of the change we want to see.

Regards,

Mahesh TS