Overcoming Fear and Anxiety: How Do You Manage Speaking in Public and Social Situations?

Hi all,

I need help from you all. I am experiencing a lot of fear when speaking with new people, in a group, or in public places. I am always nervous and constantly thinking about something, even while driving. My sleep is disturbed daily.

I am originally from a Telugu medium background and currently working as a software professional.

Please suggest some solutions.

Thanks

Dear Sekhar,

Anybody can offer you one or two tips, but whether they will be workable or not depends on the complete details you provide. In fact, you need the help of a psychologist to whom you should provide complete details based on his/her questions for analysis. This analysis will suggest a way out based on your responses. It may be due to some inferiority complex within you that can be easily overcome with the assistance of a psychologist or psychiatrist.

I must advise you not to rely on trial and error methods.

Best wishes,
P S Dhingra
Vigilance & Management Consultant
Dhingra Consultancy Group
New Delhi

Don't drop your heart, buddy. Your hesitation can only be cured if you keep on trying. Have confidence in yourself and see if you can join any personality development course (these are very short-term courses, 2 to 3 weeks, and can definitely help). Keep your head high and rock the world!

Dear Sekhar,

When you have faith and confidence in yourself, you will do more and attempt to do more. I suggest some tips on how to build confidence and courage. I have also attached two books: "Inferiority Complex and Self-Image" and "Fearlessly Communicating and Talking with Confidence." Please go through them. I am sure they will prove fruitful for you. Provide me your feedback after reading them.

1. Prepare thoroughly. Prepare the message of your speech thoroughly. Know exactly what you want to convey to your audience and why. Knowing the purpose of your speech will help focus and organize your thoughts, allowing you to be relaxed when it comes time to make your presentation.

2. Wear something appropriate and comfortable for the occasion. When you look good or know you look good, you tend to feel good. When you are less self-conscious, you tend to be more at ease. The way we look somehow affects the way we feel. Of course, don't forget proper grooming.

3. Be convinced that what you have to say matters. Be convinced of the importance of your message. Doing this will put you at ease and make you appear more confident and congruent.

4. Put yourself in a "confident" state. There are many ways to do this. One of the best ways is to "act as if" you were already confident. Walk and talk the way you would if you were already extremely confident. Sometimes, it helps to ask yourself questions like: "How would I feel right now if I were absolutely confident?" "How would I breathe?" "How would I stand?" "How would I walk?" "How would I talk?" Another excellent way is to imagine a time when you were completely confident, then bring that feeling to the present moment and speak/present while in that state.

5. Keep your attention/focus away from yourself at all costs. In other words, avoid being self-conscious at all costs because self-consciousness is one of the biggest causes of nervousness. Focus instead on the message you want to convey to your audience and why you are speaking to them.

6. Breathe naturally and in a relaxed manner.

7. Speak as if you were speaking to a close friend or loved one in a conversational manner.

8. Always remind yourself that it's okay to make mistakes.

9. Avoid the need to gain approval.

10. Trust in the power of your mind, specifically your subconscious mind. Trust that it will deliver the right words at the right time.

11. Trust that you can handle whatever comes your way.

Thank you.

Yes, it is great that you are admitting the problem you have. I am sure you would have gone for counseling. Indeed, yoga can help you. Please learn any system - either raja yoga or buy some standard books on yoga like "Light on Yoga" by BKS Iyengar and start practicing. The best way is to accept the limitation and tell yourself that you are going to get over it. Remember the precious life we have, a time span, and we are to achieve both within and live a successful life in the world also. The former is the primary aim yoga declares, which means realizing the peace and bliss within. All the outside world thus becomes secondary, and here karma yoga stands as "Do your duty and leave the rest to God. Never expect the fruits of your labor." Wish you all the best. India is a spiritually rich country, and being born in this soil, you should stand up and face the problems boldly. Read books by Swami Vivekananda and follow the scriptures. God bless you.

The fear of public speaking is that you may be executing it for the first time. The only thing which will take you past is your courage. "Courage is not only about standing and speaking but sitting down and listening." Whenever you have to deliver anything publicly, do place yourself in the comfort zone. Just have your breathing controlled, so it looks to the public that you are confident (even if you are not). And before going to deliver a speech, find a place where there's no one around and shout aloud; it will help you relieve your tension (it sounds crazy but it works).

Hi,

You need to do some homework. Read newspapers aloud, speak in front of the mirror, and converse with your friends informally. Treat everyone as a friend and speak to them naturally. This will help you overcome fear and nervousness. Additionally, practice simple meditation techniques.

I agree with P S Dhingra, sir. I will suggest the same, but don't you think that I have been advised to visit a psychologist and I have some complex in me. Nothing is like that. But it is the safest and ensured way to cure all these minor things. So without any hesitation, kindly consult with a doctor, and you will see the change within a short span. Don't worry. Be happy. These things are not too much to worry about.

Regards.

The simplest way is to promise yourself that you are confident. Try to pace the conversation very slowly, keeping the other person engaged by smiling. After 2 minutes, you will start to feel a bit more comfortable. However, this doesn't come easily; it requires practice.

Dear Shekhar,

Where are you from? Since you mentioned Telugu, I assume Hyderabad. If so, you can contact me since you are a fellow citizen. Consider not letting any apprehensions deter you.

Take care.

Shri Shekhar,

Your journey into self-exploration has begun while posting your personal issue here, unloading yourself with trust in others and seeking constructive help for your consideration, which shows your inner courage and willingness to overcome the hidden issues.

You mentioned Telugu medium, to which you perhaps attach an inferior meaning in terms of the cultural identity crisis. Maybe you come from a humble family or interior Andhra culture where perhaps your family members do not prefer to speak English or other Indian languages like Hindi, etc. Perhaps, shake the self-bias towards the Telugu identity and feel for yourself the greatness of the Andhra history and culture and its achievements and contributions to the nation, including the great Andhra leaders.

Maybe you consider yourself straightforward and honest, not conducive to political cultures. Be yourself and use this as your strength. Speak the way you feel about things politely without hurting or disturbing people, making your point with a sense of honesty, generating genuine debate without any sense of gaining or losing any points for yourself with an open mind. Be aware of your other personal strengths in terms of qualifications, intelligence, etc., without arrogance and false pride.

It seems you are obsessed with your sense of identity, disturbing your sleep and thinking all the while, even while driving, wondering how you would cope with the issues of the day, coordinating with the people around, and feeling smart and successful like others, and afraid others could overpower you. Identify the issues before you start, note your points of view, decide whom you will consult or seek help from, and forget while driving. Enjoy the drive, trusting people around you and having faith in God. Learn to take things as they unfold rather than with a predestined expectation of what should happen or not happen. Learn to deal with things as they happen, applying your strengths and utilizing the available resources around you. Note down the agenda for the next day before you sleep and leave this on the piece of paper/diary. Just go to sleep without dwelling on the agenda repeatedly, trusting that your mind has the capacity to cope up the next day. Practice, and things could improve day by day.

Do not be too soft on yourself or feel sorry for yourself for anything that is part of your personality build-up over the years nagging you in the mind. Nor blame any event or person for your state of affairs. Peel off any reasons that make you feel inferior or non-confident, or acknowledge the reasons rationally without self-sympathy. Go back to the root causes of why you think you are the way you are. Having done the analysis and discovered yourself, leave the reasons there. Just be aware but not subconsciously obsessed.

Share your issues with family members, friends, relatives, colleagues whom you can fairly trust. Enable them to help you understand your problem and the possible alternatives available to effectively deal with the inner issues.

Have a role model with a humble background who has risen above being a self-made leader of the self and leader of the people, historical or alive. See how they handle their issues or speak to others or in public.

Be a successful software professional, being hard on yourself with self-confidence. Learn the knowledge and skills that will make you more confident, including successful interpersonal and personal effectiveness skills. You may read simple books with relevant tips.

In case working with people around is indeed difficult, choose a job where you can work more individually with minimum possible public interaction. If that is so, without regretting for yourself, where you can be your own master - a designer, research person, professor/teacher, trainer where you can feel the power within while dealing with people from a position of personal merit, unfolding your expertise rather than depending much on coordination with others.

Hope the above tips would make some meaning for you and would be handy in helping yourself. If needed, visit a psychologist or seek help from your trusted HR friend/trainer if possible. Feel proud of yourself and your culture and language and humble background if so, taking this as a take-off point rather than a source of personal agony. Sing a bold Telugu song for yourself.

Ham honge kaamyaab ek din!

We shall overcome someday!

With congratulations for this thread, thanks for allowing me to share my unfolding thoughts, and with best wishes for your personal success in life at all fronts at home, work, society while feeling good about yourself all the time - please acknowledge!

Regards,

Kshantaram

Email: shantaramkhrd@yahoo.co.uk

Even I have gone through such a phase. Now I stand tall and confident. An extremely shy and weak person converted into a strong motivator and a trainer.

Your problem is not a big problem; it can be solved easily. You suffer from inferiority complex and low self-esteem.

To get rid of this, you need to do two exercises: Goal Setting and SWOT Analysis. Also, run a Johari Window on yourself. Enroll in a Public Speaking class or Toastmasters Club. Part of your problem is due to studying in a Telugu medium and the environment around you. Believe me, for all your problems, originally you are NOT responsible, but now you have to take responsibility.

You do not need a Psychiatrist at this level.

Now let me tell you some strong positive points about yourself, which you have been ignoring as if they are not there.

1. You are writing this in a public forum. This requires a lot of courage. So, inside you is a courageous person.

2. You are a progress-oriented person and ready to embrace change. Not many people have this quality.

3. You are very good in your technical knowledge domain.

4. You are a good observer and listener.

5. At heart, you are a nice, honest person who wants others' welfare. You will not cheat others for your small gains.

6. You speak the truth.

7. Your nervousness is your greatest asset. Learn to use it for a positive purpose. When you are nervous, there is extraordinary energy in your body and your mind is alert. That's useful for doing important tasks. That means you are capable of taking on higher responsibilities.

8. To some extent, everyone goes through this. They hide. You don't because you are honest.

STOP worrying. START communicating with people. Share your knowledge with them. Help people as much as you can even before they ask for it. Very soon, you will be surrounded by friends.

Good luck to you.

And yes, finally, when you achieve success, please remember friends like me.

Dear Sekhar,

In addition to my previous suggestion, in order to identify your problem, you may want to read a set of articles provided in the attached document. The articles focus on the fears, anxieties, and phobias that a person typically experiences. All relevant references, sources, and links have been included with each article if you wish to review the original articles on their respective sites.

This may help you understand the actual issue and seek proper remedies.

P S Dhingra
Vigilance & Management Consultant
Dhingra Consultancy Group
New Delhi

Hi, don't worry. Firstly, it's not an uncommon thing. I can see that you have been given some good advice. I would like to add that self-affirmation is a great technique to overcome any fear. Before speaking, just tell yourself positive things like "I enjoy speaking to others," "I am a confident person," and practice in front of a mirror before every public speech. All the best.