Feeling Trapped by My Boss's Behavior: How Do I Move Forward with Confidence?

I am going through a severe problem Please Suggest me what to to do ?
Especially Senior HR's Expecting advices from you all.

It starts couple of Months back where I worked as a HR Recruiter in a newly started consultancy, where I was delighted with my profile, as I was designated as a Team Leader & was handling a Team of 7 in recruitment. Everything was going smooth as It was a learning experience Until one day…,
I receive a cordial or appreciation message from my so called Director (That he was very much impressed with my work & the way I am taking care of things over there besides recruitment) what he meant was : I used to do lot of other activities like a company growth planning, infrastructure, making a good use of the limited resources & inspiring others, Curricular activities, team building, team outing, Managing the office in Directors absence, taking care of minute to big issues related to employees or office, etccc…I mean I was in Multi tasking Role & was happy doing all that.

So he started messaging me daily, the messages became official to casual then personal.
Initially I thought he is just trying to praise me & make use of me then I thought he is really a disheartened person & has several mishap in his life & he needs some one to share.
The messages were all kind of personal & emotional I mean the way he had problems in his life & the way he has been ditched by others.
Loads of emotional stuff in messages.

Sometimes I also thought that Is this guy a attention seeker where he is trying to grab attention by gaining sympathy.
On second thoughts I thought he is a genuine person & sharing all his emotional feelings with me.
Finally we ended up hanging out, spending time, watching movies.

Here is a TWIST, after a while he offered me to be a part of Board of Directors.
I thought it's too early for me to be in that position, rather I thought he is scared that I would quit the job once I gain experience so he is trying to hold me back by offering me that position. Where he will get a nice BAKRA with a very less package.
Anyhow I asked him to give me some time to think.

In between when I was unable to go out with him, he used to behave like a kiddo & sometimes even don't talk to me as well. Eventually he became possessive & started emotionally black mailing me that if I ever think of quitting the job He will Suicide.

I got running thoughts, concluding whether He is a GAY or a Psycho or an emotionally sick Or a Over smart person.
However, It was all getting on my nerves & I was unable to concentrate on my work, I even mentioned several times that all his behavior is effecting his own company But he continued the same.
Finally, I didn't want to loose my mental balance & decided to quit. I resigned.

I resigned without even serving notice. He knew that I will contact him to get the formalities done & to collect the documents.

This was not an end; he continuously messaged & mailed me, apologized in each mail & message & wanted me to come back. I ignored his messages & continued with my Hunt for another job.
I was looking out for a corporate break but I was getting Offers only from consultancies.

Finally after 25 days I responded to his message that I would come back but I have certain conditions.
I shall work from home (or free lancer) & come to office only if needed.
I shall only respond or rather report to him only thru mails
& No personal meetings / talks or hangouts.

He agreed for everything.

Again it was all sailing according to me. But after a 30 – 35 days he didn't stick to his promise & started behaving the same & wanted me to be in front rather with him day in day out which irate me & I was rude to him saying I don't like the way he behaves again the same.

Henceforth, He sends me a mail that I am unfit to be a part of his organization & he sacks me without giving my salary either.

I feel so wrong, weird & culpable about myself that I revert my decision of going back for such a hypocrite, that I wasted my 1 month where I would have Hunt for a good job.

Now my morale is so very down & feel myself a wrong decision maker & I feel I have ruined my career.
As in I am finding difficult to get a job in this tough time of recession.

Suggest me guys where I was wrong or right?
Where do I need to improve?
What can I do to go ahead with High Spirits?

Thank you for your Precious Time.

The situation needs to be handled at the first instance when we find that it is going wrong. Our attitude towards taking it casually and waiting for the situation to get worse ruins everything. When you had a hint from the very start that he is taking unusual benefits, why did you encourage that person by spending time with him and welcoming his odd messages? Going back was really a bad decision. But it's still not too late. When you are in the professional world, try to keep your personal self separate. He has no right to hold back your salary. Warn him to pay your salary; otherwise, you will take him to court.

Hi Roshan,

Whatever happens, happens for good. Since you are finally out of a job, take a break. Refresh yourself and start looking for a good opportunity. In the meantime, follow up for your salary, which is your right. A good opportunity will come your way, so keep trying.

Regards,
Harshad

Dear Roshan,

A real difficult experience. Let me tell you one thing - (this applies to even personal life).

When we tell someone we have had enough (either it's a resignation letter - or a relationship break-up), it's difficult for the other person to accept that we are going out. Rejection is more difficult to handle. Initially, they would be trying to get you back into the relationship or work and make things fine for you, and then the possibilities are that they move on and decide how to turn you down from their end.

This gives them mental relaxation that - now they have moved out of the professional/personal relationship and it was THEIR choice.

You see the difference, he could not handle you saying that "you don't want to continue," but he can do it easily when he says, "he can't continue with you."

He definitely needs a lot of care and attention, and someone he can trust. But a professional relationship will be ruined. Things will go dark later, and there will be so many things happening that you may not even be able to share it with others.

Kudos to you - I wonder how many people out there would say no to an offer for being a part of the Board of Directors. (I would have possibly said yes and later realized the blunder 🤔)

As of now - don't be frustrated with what happened. You just walked out of a bad thing that could have possibly ruined your life. He has probably been alone in his life and just because he has not had someone to share, he is holding all these things within himself and finally when he found a sincere person, he thought he could share.

He could not differentiate... I pity him to a certain extent.

A friendlier relationship is different - but becoming possessive and thinking of suicide is... heights of him being a lonely and depressed person, wearing a mask of "perfection" in front of others.

He felt you were unfit - "for the relation." I guess you should be happy.

You were not wrong with your decisions. You need to improve in this - trust yourself and you are the best decision maker of your life. As of now - you have not made wrong choices. To go ahead - relax first, start hunting for opportunities. There are companies out there who would value your skills. You "NEED" a fresh breath of air.

Hey... it will be too difficult for anyone out there to believe that the person actually behaved this bad - but you could try explaining. It's all in how you put it across. Keep your spirits high.

Never doubt yourself because of others' stupidity!!

Apologies if this was too lengthy. :-)

Hi Roshan,

Don't be so depressed. You should feel happy; at least you managed to come out of a bad situation. Now, you are free. Just relax and then search for a new job. The world is out there for you.

Best of luck

Hi Roshan,

You want to move forward with good spirits. Who is stopping you? Move ahead. The only thing is that your inability to pick up a job immediately made you respond to him in just 25 days. Well, man, that's where perhaps you need to work upon. You can't become weak in just 25 days. Life is not a path full of roses. Tough times keep coming. Man, we need to be strong and persistent. Since you are in a tough situation, keep trying, build up your confidence, read good literature, be honest, and tell the truth in all your future interactions when you are looking for a job.

It appears that you have a very strong listening ability and perhaps a caring attitude which made him depend on you, share with you, and feel secure in your presence. Trust me, if you are like this, then many such experiences will come your way. How you face them based on this journey will decide on the amount of suffering. Many people who feel they have been victimized need a shoulder. From what you have mentioned, you appear to have big caring shoulders likely to attract many in the future. However, you will have to choose and be cautious about developing relationships.

God Bless!

Ramesh Sood

Hi Roshan,

I can understand your trauma and the mental agony you are in. Please remember that a professional relationship is different from a personal relationship, so don't try to mix both. When you do, it's tough to handle.

Whatever happened has happened. Just try to forget it and try to find a fresh lease of life. Make a cautious new beginning and keep this as your learning experience.

Roshan,

My question is, if you were hired as an HR Recruiter, why do you have to handle other multitasking work that you mentioned? The problem I see here is you need to learn to say "No". There is nothing that you have lost... Look, forget the past, just concentrate on your short-term goal, i.e., to get a good job. Always remember that a company can run without you. Do what you are paid for...

Have a great evening.

Lijesh

Hello Roshan,

Your experience is indeed weird. I agree with Harshad & Asha - both have arrived at the right conclusion, albeit from different directions. I am not sure if you have faced situations in your life where some decision that you wanted to take was thrust upon you by the other side. Sometimes it does happen, and just take it plainly as his help to you in conditions that you were unable to handle, and he got it done through the other party. There's a proverb in Telugu that means this.

Like all the others suggested, "carry on Doctor."

And frankly, I suggest - don't even try to contact the guy again. If this amounts to foregoing your salary dues... so be it. Maybe it was the price you paid for your improper handling of the situation. I don't consider it a mistake. A quote here: "There are no rewards or punishments in nature; only consequences."

All the Best,

Rgds,
TS

Thank you so much, Kushi, for your reply. I wouldn't have encouraged his message, but it was just an obligation since he was my boss. Henceforth, I agree I made a mistake by going back, which I regret.

Hey, thank you so much for sharing your view. The situation needs to be handled at the first instance when we find that it is going wrong. Our attitude towards taking things casually and waiting for the situation to worsen ruins everything. When you had a hint from the very start that he was taking unusual benefits, why did you encourage that person by spending time with him and welcoming his odd messages? Going back was really a bad decision. But it's still not too late. When you are in the professional world, try to keep your personal self separate. He has no right to withhold your salary. You can warn him to pay your salary; otherwise, you will take him to court.

Much More than Thank you to All...!

Harshad, Asha Mathew, Jasmeet, Anuradha Reghuraman, Ramesh Sood, Jammy HR, Lakshman, Sateesh & Mohan.

I am very glad and content to receive responses that have motivated me to an infinite extent.

Now, I can take a sigh of relief when I get to know that I was not wrong and I can move with a positive attitude.

Especially, a few of the replies have inspired me so much.

Asha, please don't apologize for a lengthy mail. I really needed it...!

It's an honor for me to receive such a stirring message, particularly the lines:

"A friendlier relation is different - but becoming possessive and thinking of suicide is... heights of him being a lonely and depressed person, wearing a mask of 'perfection' in front of others.

Never doubt yourself because of others' stupidity!!

Anuradha - Thank you for a wonderful example of the Great Edison.

Ramesh Sood - Thank you. I agree with you. The only thing is that your inability to pick up a job immediately made you respond to him in just 25 days.

Jammy - I always avoid mixing professional and personal matters. I only encouraged or reciprocated to him, I guess because I was obligated. Anyhow, I agree that was a mistake, and thank you for your message which has helped me overcome.

Lakshman - Thanks, dude. I think I really need to learn to say "NO" to a few things.

Sateesh - Thank you so much. I am very much touched by the below statement:

"And frankly, I suggest - don't even try to contact the guy again. If this amounts to foregoing your salary dues... so be it. Maybe it was the price you paid for your improper handling of the situation."

Once again, thank you all for those replies.

What I am suggesting is that the first time you leave our company, you should not return. You already know about the person, and you have learned a lesson from the experience. In the future, before joining a new organization as an HR professional, analyze the company's atmosphere, staff, and managers, especially the superiors. Observe and assess them to ensure you can deal with the situation effectively. Gradually ease into your work, and remember that the way you handle situations is crucial. Avoid getting too involved in personal feelings with staff members; while you can empathize, there should be certain limits.

Don't worry about anything; consider it a learning experience. Best of luck with your job search!

Dear Roshan,

Every new day is a new beginning!!!

I understand your state of mind, but don't punish yourself for the faults you have not done. There are situations when you feel cheated, but that's life; you can't force others to think like you or act according to your wishes!

Whatever happened - was in the past and don't ruin your future by feeling pity about yourself. No one can change the past, but you can learn from it and start a new inning.

So, all the best for your future. We want to hear from you that you have overpowered your sadness and achieved new heights in your career.

Thanks,
Pawan :-D

Hello Everyone,

I think I should address Peer Mohamed Sadhar as "USTAAD". He has got the crux of the matter in how any human being grows.

But Peer, please don't be so assumptive about Roshan. All of us go through various stages in life, which is a continuous learning process. Like this quote says it all: "It's only 'education' that stops when you complete your teens; your 'learning' goes on till you are dead.

And Vijubob, I think it isn't right to fit anything or anyone in a 'black' or 'white' jacket. There are many 'grey' areas in life that can only be faced, experienced, and lessons learned. And it's good Roshan has learned his.

One of my favorite quotes is this [to be modest, I coined it when I had to advise someone known to me a couple of years ago]: "A mistake is a mistake only until you 'REALISE' it, make all the efforts to 'CORRECT' it, and then 'LEARN' from it... then it's no more a mistake, it becomes your EXPERIENCE.

Regards,
TS

Hi Roshan,

It's really sad. Not because you had a bad experience but because you have lost your self-confidence. Remember one thing: keep your activities restricted in a corporate world. You may definitely be very talented, but at the same time, you should be careful about the people and environment you move in. Although I'm not sure why this guy offered you to be a part of the Board of Directors, but it was a correct decision on your part to refuse (there was definitely a catch somewhere; things could have been worse today). Now that you are out of the situation... just chill, relax, learn from the past, and move on. If you have talent and willingness to work, you will definitely find something for yourself. Job hunt is usually a lengthy process, especially in this market, so you need some patience also.

My advice is don't allow others to influence your confidence and keep trying for a new job.

All The Best! 🌟

Hi Roshan,

Don't worry about such things, as they are bound to happen. What matters is how you handle the situation. However, you were very wrong when you went around getting personal with him. You are mature enough to understand and decide not to do such things.

Remember, whatever happens, happens for good. Learn from your mistake.

Secondly, if he has sacked you, you are eligible not only for the salary for the days worked but also for a one-month notice period if you were a confirmed employee and it was mentioned in your appointment letter. Moreover, you can show an appreciation letter and his email/message in which he had asked you to join back as proof of your good performance.

Talk to his seniors about the way he behaved and how he held your salary without reason.

Regards,

Dear Roshan,

If I understand him correctly, then he will call you back. It is his emotional need. Please do not succumb to any pity tactics. At the same time, it is your turn to put emotional pressure on him. Get your experience certificate out. Salary is not important but papers are. If you can, convince him that he did the right thing by letting you go. And you are very proud that he was able to make the decision... blah blah blah, then you might just be able to get your work done. Someone who has so much self-pity, alternatively, is bound to be a megalomaniac enough to succumb to praises. Sounds a little extreme? Some problems need to be dealt with emotional intelligence. Professionalism only might not work. Try it and let me know if it works. All the best, buddy.

Kavitha

Hi!

You need to admit that you made a big mistake. However, everyone experiences the same in life - personal or professional - ONCE. Don't be demotivated. Take it as a lesson and never ever fall into a man's trap again in life. Learn to say no assertively. That does not mean you will not find men you can trust; however, be professional at work and keep your personal life separate.

Enjoy the break and reach new heights. This is not the end of life.

Cheers!

Neats

Dear Friend,

What has happened cannot be corrected. Try to learn from this experience and grow as a person. Such things happen in everyone's life in some way or another, affecting them emotionally. Try to meet your friends, talk to them, and forget about this incident. I know it may be hard, but with every passing day, the pain will become less and less, and eventually, you will feel relieved.

Take a positive view of life. Try to do good things, even if someone has harmed you or tried to do so. You seem to have more strengths than weaknesses (as your mail suggests); hence, getting a better job will just be a matter of time, and I am sure that you will certainly find one soon.

Take Care! Cheer Up!

Debashis

I read your message. There is nothing to worry about, and don't be dishearted. Sometimes it happens, but I can understand that you faced the situation so early. Yeah, your decision was not correct to join the same organization as an HR person. We knew that mental satisfaction in a workplace. Take it as a lesson; nothing is the end. Go ahead. Though it takes time, you will get the job as you are capable enough and showed excellent performance in your previous job. Instead of thinking that I made a mistake, think about how to come over with that. I am sure you will definitely get a nice opportunity. All the Best!

Hi,

Take this as an experience well learned and move on. We will be meeting all kinds of people throughout our life, so time is the best healer. As for you, never fall into self-pity nor lose your self-confidence. A friendly behavior by you has ended up badly, so there is nothing wrong on your part. You even gave the other person a second chance which proved wrong for both of you.

You haven't come across such incidents before, so in a way, it's shocking and annoying for you. Come out of the emotional trauma and look into your strengths. As you have mentioned, you did multitasking, managed a team, and inspired others - focus on that.

One month gap doesn't mean you are not worth it. All our suggestions will help heal your wound, but it's in your hands to remove the scar. Take care.

Hi Roshan,

I completely agree with Lijesh. This experience has taught you many things that you have to understand and take in a positive spirit for your future career.

1. You have to set limits around you, beyond which you shouldn't give extra time to your colleagues like hangouts, movies, etc. It's okay once in a while, not frequently.

2. You need to adhere to your work responsibilities and specialize in the same. When you try to do everything, it might happen that you are disturbing somebody else's work unknowingly.

3. Learn to say no.

4. Believe in your capacities, which will help you to say no when you want to say it.

5. However, you are an important employee of the company, but the company can still run without you.

6. Be professional.

And so on...

All these things or more than this, you learned from this single experience. There are many people who take years to understand this. So, you're lucky that you learned everything from one bitter experience.

Cheer up and don't stop.

All the best!

Cheers!!!! Ashwini Prajapati

Dear Roshan,

That was a real bad experience. There is a saying, "Tough people last forever, but tough times do not." Dude, you are strong. Appreciate yourself for being tough and fighting in such a hard situation and coming out as a survivor.

Here are answers to your questions:
- Suggest where I was wrong or right?
You are right. Carry this experience with you. In the world, there are two types of people: good and bad. Since we are in HR, judge them by their brain and heart, and accordingly, connect with them. Otherwise, avoid them at the first instance.

- Where do I need to improve?
As I said earlier, be kind to yourself, forgive that guy, but don't forget that mistake or experience so that next time you will be aware of how to react.

- What can I do to go ahead with high spirits?
For your high spirits, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, HAVE FAITH IN GOD, STAND UP, AND REGAIN YOUR CONFIDENCE BY THINKING YOU ARE A SURVIVOR. If you are in low spirits, then that guy will be the winner in his mission. There is a self-esteem site you can visit; it's very helpful to bring back your self-esteem. This is not the end of life, DUDE. THERE IS A WONDERFUL LIFE WAITING AHEAD. JUST CHANGE YOUR FOCUS.

Regards,
Shruti
HR

Hello,

Back to the forum after some gap. I agree with you, Shruti, in most things you mentioned, except one.

You said: "there are two types of people, one good and one bad." People can't be labeled that way, Shruti. None is 100% good or 100% bad. Circumstances create situations for you to respond, and your nature (which, in turn, gets decided by one's upbringing in childhood, karma, etc.) at that point of time decides how you respond. This determines whether you get the label 'good' if your response is positive or 'bad' if your response is negative.

A case in point is Ramalinga Raju. I don't know if there is any connection from my past life with him; I seem to pick up a lot regarding him to convey my points. All know what he did regarding Satyam, but not many know the good he did. An example is the 108 Ambulance service that's now running in many states, something that has saved lakhs of lives and also had Dr. Abdul Kalam on its Board of Directors.

Now, can we say he is 100% good based on this example? Or 100% bad based on what we now know of him? Got the point?

Regards,
TS

Dear Roshan,

Your experience, although really bad, as everyone suggests, you really are a tough guy. Just be that way... Tough one. All your experiences, good or bad, will let you learn something or other. Take the good and learn from the bad. And in all circumstances, don't stagnate... just keep moving ahead.

As far as your career is concerned, take a deserving break and continue with your job search. You will get a good opportunity for sure... and very soon. Just wait for the right one.

Wish you all the best!!

Regards,
Darshana Ghag

All said and done. But, what should be the answer when Roshan will be asked in an interview, "why did you leave your job?"

Let's further help Roshan with this.

Prashant

Hey Roshan, why are you holding yourself guilty? I am sure anyone would have felt the same as you did. Don't crucify yourself. You did no wrong at all! It is a closed chapter - now put it behind you. Doesn't matter even if you have to join consultancy - no big deal. It is important to rebuild your career from scratch. Just keep yourself employable.

Since you need a corporate job and you have left your job under such adverse conditions, I could suggest you a few moves, but I would first need to see your resume. As far as your salary and PF are concerned, get legal help.

Be brave and don't take crap from anyone.

Mohan