COMPANY POLICY - EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes &
carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well
financially & therefore do not need a raise. If you
dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, & therefore
you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you
are right where you need to be & therefore you do not
need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work .
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour &
subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, & a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders
Category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will
be sanctioned under the company's mental health
policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal
size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people
get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience.