Dear seniors ,

I m working as HR professional , I had a verbal fight with my XXX Department manager ( Dont feel like reveling the department name) our company organised a corporate event , I was the leading person for the event I have really worked hard on it. Prior to the event date he embarrassed me in front of third parties that I didn't work on it , all my work are useless , all that bla bla bla . Forget to mention this not the first time he is embarrassing me in front of third parties, I have personally communicated this to him not to do that as I feel very bad. But on the day when the fight started he again provoked me and I coudnt control my anger ..and I shouted back very very rudely. Now he says that he was joking , where he says didnt meant what he said. My question is if I slap someone and says that I was kidding would he pardon me.

I have reacted only when he provoked me multiple times. I dont know what to do and dont feel like going to back office. I always tried to maintain good relationship with everyone ...since its been spoiled I have no interest going back to work. And this manger is very good friend of mine as we share some common interest.

plz share your views I feel so lonely

From India, Coimbatore
Hi Robin,
You will come across many such people who will provoke you and then see the fun.
Join back ASAP. Don't let a single person influence you. Learn how to express your feelings without getting aggressive. Practice assertiveness!
I am sure you will be able to turn around the situation with little patience and a better outlook.
Wishing you all the very best!! :)

From India, Delhi

Attached Files
File Type: docx What IS assertive communication.docx (15.4 KB, 252 views)

Dear Robin,

What has happened is interpersonal issue.

If some manager was provoking you then did you talk to that person in private before sending the mail? You could have done that. E-mail communication is used for reiterating on what transpired in the meetings. Always, it cannot be the primary communication.

If the manager was instigating you then why you did not report to your HR Manager? By the way, what is your designation? Are you a manager? Is that manager at par with you? If the incidents were happening coram populo even then why none of senior step in to avoid this unfair treatment to you? When the company's interpersonal environment was degraded, why they were mute spectator?

Instead of blowing your top and retaliate, you could have swallowed your anger for a while (while writing this I know how difficult it is to advice. Not that I did not fail on this count.) You could have approached you seniors like some GM, VP etc for roughshod treatment from the manager.

Anyway we cannot undo the past. Now you are overwhelmed by the sense of guilt and do not wish to go to office. But then it will be yet another childlike response. One single incident, one single mistake, either of yours or someone else's, cannot jeopardise your career. Therefore, look at the career as a whole. You cannot expect smooth ride forever, There will be bumps and so is this one. Therefore, ignore and move on.

Before closing these comments, I would like to provide two links on Response Vs Reaction. Please go through them. What you did was to react. It was not response. Over a period of time learn how to respond and not to react. The links are as below:

A Mindful Difference: Respond vs React

Responding vs. Reacting in Life <link updated to site home>

All the best!

Dinesh V Divekar

From India, Bangalore
Atul Sharma and Dinesh Divekar have given you excellent advice. I have only one more comment to make. You say that "And this manger is very good friend of mine as we share some common interest" I wonder if he is really a friend!! I also have a very good friend who takes pleasure in trying to wind me up and react. I have known him for 40+ years. But he is only a family friend and has not worked with me.
Like the saying goes "sticks and stones may brake my bones, but words do not hurt me". Kindly learn to shut year ears when he is saying things like that. As Dinesh says, it is easier to say that than put it into practice. I have also reacted like you. God has been kind to me in that he has given me the capacity to forget things. So, I do not keep brooding over things and thus such incidents do not make me depressed.
Like Judge Judy says, no one can provoke us. It's we that react to what others say or do. We have the option to react or walk away.

From United Kingdom
Dear Simhan ,Atul Sharma and Dinesh divekar sir,
What you have said is completely correct , I did not report to my reporting person as I was not sure will he take this seriously or not , as I have previously mentioned that I have personally communicated the same to him that do not do insult me in front of others , as said by Dinesh divekar sir if I try not to respond on time (so that the conflict could be avoided) , he would have the tendency to do it again.

From India, Coimbatore
Well, if the said manager is not making a big deal of it why are you so disturbed? And I hope you have not stopped going to the office!
Shouting and screaming should be avoided - everywhere and particularly, in the workplace. But then, sh*t happens. Move on. Possibly, the manager too has got the message now and will not mess with you so easily. Maybe, it was all for good - especially, if the issue is not escalating and the only aftermath is in your mind. Solution is easy - just shake it off!

From India, Delhi
Dear Robin,
Sorry for not answering your first question "My question is if I slap someone and says that I was kidding would he pardon me.". It all depends upon who that someone is and his nature. If he were like Lord Christ, he would turn his other cheek for slapping. Let me give an example from the life of Sri Ramanujacharya.
It seems he had a favourite desciple and the acharya's other followers very very jealous of him. To cut the story short, the favourite desciple told his wife that she should not have moved when people came to rob the house and disturbed them. To which she replied that she turned so that take the bangles from the other hand too, as they may need it. However, we are not of that type. If a stranger slaps, depending upon his size, we will react differently: either run away or give one back.

From United Kingdom
Dear Robin,

Well, this sort of situation as faced by you is experienced by many persons while working in different organizations. Your success depends upon how you are able to tackle such situations. Under such circumstances, there are two alternative approaches; (i) fight or (ii) flight (escape). Unfortunately, you seem to have chosen the second alternative and decided to abstain from work. I think this is not the proper approach. You must fight. I don't mean to say 'physical' assault on the miscreant. Best think is you may make a note (time, date and place wise) of all such instances of misbehavior on his part and wait for a proper opportunity when you may retaliate. But 'flight' in no case. Escapism will not take you any where.

Also, please remember there a saying in Sanskrit; it translates as "The words. the language and the behavior of a person are indicative of the family back ground he or she comes from".

So, contain your emotions and consequent hasty actions. Keep cool. This approach is necessary to draw up a strategy for future action.

Lalit Thakkar

Lalit Thakkar

From India, Surat
Greetings Robin,

Many times we tend (mark the word "we", as it includes me) to take comments of colleagues personally. I have been trained by my senior colleague to distance myself in a tough situation wherein my actions were ridiculed by fellow colleagues. He used to guide me whenever I erred and told me to investigate as to whether there was really any flaw that eluded my attention while performing that action. If in my opinion there was no flaw, he guided me to ignore it and not react to such comments.

He also taught me not to carry the stigma against that colleague in future conversations with him. He narrated a small story which everyone know. A sage was crossing a river with his disciples and came across a lady who was timid to cross the river. The sage offered to carry the lady on his shoulders and cross the river to which she agreed. The disciple was disturbed by the action of the sage. Sensing his uneasiness the sage sought the reasons for his discomfort to which the disciple asked as to how he carried a lady on his shoulders being a sage. To this the sage replied that he forgot about it the moment she alighted from his shoulder on the river bank and the disciple was still carrying the thought in his mind. The disciple was humbled by the reply. Every time I come across such situations, I still remember him and try to control myself and then explain the situation to colleagues who have reacted differently.

Many times we find colleagues taunting us before fellow colleagues to show that they are one up. But in private they will be good friends. In my opinion you are in such a situation. Please don't hesitate, join back at once and sort out the matter with your colleague to whom you were harsh. I am sure he will realize his folly and will not repeat such actions in future.


From India, Madras

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