Does your Company have a problem in recruiting the right person for the right chair? If yes, try this simple experiment. Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation
 If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks
 - PUT THEM IN THE ACCOUNTS DEPT.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks
 - PUT THEM IN ENGINEERING.
If they are arranging the bricks in some other order
 - PUT THEM IN PLANNING.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other
 - PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.
If they are sleeping
- PUT THEM IN SECURITY.
 If they have broken the bricks into pieces
 - PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.
 If they are sitting idle
 - PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT.
If they have thrown the bricks out of the window
 - PUT THEM IN THE MATERIALS DEPT.
If they have already left for the day
 - PUT THEM IN MARKETING.
AND last but not least....
If they are talking to each other and not a brick has moved
-PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMEN
From India, Mumbai
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12Â If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks
 - PUT THEM IN THE ACCOUNTS DEPT.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks
 - PUT THEM IN ENGINEERING.
If they are arranging the bricks in some other order
 - PUT THEM IN PLANNING.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other
 - PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.
If they are sleeping
- PUT THEM IN SECURITY.
 If they have broken the bricks into pieces
 - PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.
 If they are sitting idle
 - PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT.
If they have thrown the bricks out of the window
 - PUT THEM IN THE MATERIALS DEPT.
If they have already left for the day
 - PUT THEM IN MARKETING.
AND last but not least....
If they are talking to each other and not a brick has moved
-PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMEN
From India, Mumbai
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good one sunayan. i ahve read this message before. but i want u to tell one thing if it is practically possible? just i donot know that.... ok tell me byee
From India, Vadodara
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From India, Vadodara
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Hi Sunayna,
Thought of adding some more office jokes instead of starting a new string...
What if accountants start producing movies?
1. Munnabhai B.Com
2. Hamara Ledger Aapke Paas Hai
3. Kaho na Depreciation Hai
4. Journal Se Balance Sheet Tak
5. Kabhi Credit Kabhi Debit
6. Cash Balance Wale Profit Le Jayenge
7. Hum Tax de Chuke Sanam
8. Kya Yehi Credit Period Hai?
9. Mein Accounts ki Diwani Hoon
10. Kyon Tally Ho Gaya Na
Ajmal Mirza
From India, Ahmadabad
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Thought of adding some more office jokes instead of starting a new string...
What if accountants start producing movies?
1. Munnabhai B.Com
2. Hamara Ledger Aapke Paas Hai
3. Kaho na Depreciation Hai
4. Journal Se Balance Sheet Tak
5. Kabhi Credit Kabhi Debit
6. Cash Balance Wale Profit Le Jayenge
7. Hum Tax de Chuke Sanam
8. Kya Yehi Credit Period Hai?
9. Mein Accounts ki Diwani Hoon
10. Kyon Tally Ho Gaya Na
Ajmal Mirza
From India, Ahmadabad
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lol.......obviously not sreenivasan.... :lol: hi ajmal...thnk u for enhancing my thread with ur joke.... wonder wt will happen if the HR ppl decide to make movies. :wink:
From India, Mumbai
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From India, Mumbai
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It will be like "rok saka tho rok lo," since Arindham Chaudhary, my college dean, directed a movie that was a great flop. He is an HR person who talks about leadership in his workshops. Each person suits some job, so HR is not for movies until we try to adapt and change for that circumstance.
Each person suits some job, so HR is not for movies until we try to adapt and change for that circumstance.
From India, Vadodara
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Each person suits some job, so HR is not for movies until we try to adapt and change for that circumstance.
From India, Vadodara
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How does a new recruit in the IT industry feel?
Ek Trainee tha anjaana sa... coding karne se woh darta tha... Copy paste karte, idhar udhar se... pooch ke coding kiya karta tha... Choree choree... chupke chupke... discussions mein soya karta tha... Jab delivery honee hotee thee... raat raat bhar jagta tha... Kuch aata nahee tha usko... jaane kaise deliver karta tha... Jab bhee milta tha kisee doosre developer se, unse poocha karta tha... Coding kaisee hotee hai... Yeh coding kaisee hotee hai...? Aur voh developers bas yahee kah paate the... "Ankhe khulee ho ya ho band deedar code ka hota hai... kaise kahoo mai o yaro yeh code kaise hota hai... "Kya hai yeh jadoo hai koyee code jo chal jata hai, fix karke bugs hazaro deliver ho jata hai..."Door kahee onsite per, hote hai yeh sare faisla, kaun jane koyee bug kab kaise kaha mile, Jiske naseeb mein ho likha acceptance useeka hota hai... kaise kahoon mai o yara yeh code kaise chalta hai...
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I have corrected the spelling and grammar errors in the text and ensured proper paragraph formatting. The original meaning and tone of the message have been preserved.
From India, Ahmadabad
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Ek Trainee tha anjaana sa... coding karne se woh darta tha... Copy paste karte, idhar udhar se... pooch ke coding kiya karta tha... Choree choree... chupke chupke... discussions mein soya karta tha... Jab delivery honee hotee thee... raat raat bhar jagta tha... Kuch aata nahee tha usko... jaane kaise deliver karta tha... Jab bhee milta tha kisee doosre developer se, unse poocha karta tha... Coding kaisee hotee hai... Yeh coding kaisee hotee hai...? Aur voh developers bas yahee kah paate the... "Ankhe khulee ho ya ho band deedar code ka hota hai... kaise kahoo mai o yaro yeh code kaise hota hai... "Kya hai yeh jadoo hai koyee code jo chal jata hai, fix karke bugs hazaro deliver ho jata hai..."Door kahee onsite per, hote hai yeh sare faisla, kaun jane koyee bug kab kaise kaha mile, Jiske naseeb mein ho likha acceptance useeka hota hai... kaise kahoon mai o yara yeh code kaise chalta hai...
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I have corrected the spelling and grammar errors in the text and ensured proper paragraph formatting. The original meaning and tone of the message have been preserved.
From India, Ahmadabad
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Hey sunayna.. Can you change the topic to something related to office jokes... we can collect a lot more on subject... :evil:
From India, Ahmadabad
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From India, Ahmadabad
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Hi Sunayna,
Thanks for changing the title of the post and congratulations on finding a new home [Sunayna = CHR Resident].
THE TEN OFFICE COMMANDMENTS
I. Thou Shalt Have No Other Life Beside Work.
II. Thou Shalt Not Download Any Craven Images.
III. Thou Shalt Not Take the Name of The Manager Thy God in Vain.
IV. Remember the Sabbath Day to Work and Keep it Holy.
V. Honor Thy Punctuality and Confidentiality Agreements.
VI. Thou Shalt Not Kill Time.
VII. Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery On Office Furniture or Equipment.
VIII. Thou Shalt Not Steal Thy Employer's Yellow Sticky-Notes.
IX. Thou Shalt Not Wantonly Xerox Thy Posterior.
X. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Cubicle, Nor His Stapler, Nor His Three-Hole Punch.
I have corrected the spelling and grammar errors, fixed the punctuation, and ensured proper paragraph formatting with single line breaks between paragraphs. The original meaning and tone of the message have been maintained.
From India, Ahmadabad
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Thanks for changing the title of the post and congratulations on finding a new home [Sunayna = CHR Resident].
THE TEN OFFICE COMMANDMENTS
I. Thou Shalt Have No Other Life Beside Work.
II. Thou Shalt Not Download Any Craven Images.
III. Thou Shalt Not Take the Name of The Manager Thy God in Vain.
IV. Remember the Sabbath Day to Work and Keep it Holy.
V. Honor Thy Punctuality and Confidentiality Agreements.
VI. Thou Shalt Not Kill Time.
VII. Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery On Office Furniture or Equipment.
VIII. Thou Shalt Not Steal Thy Employer's Yellow Sticky-Notes.
IX. Thou Shalt Not Wantonly Xerox Thy Posterior.
X. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Cubicle, Nor His Stapler, Nor His Three-Hole Punch.
I have corrected the spelling and grammar errors, fixed the punctuation, and ensured proper paragraph formatting with single line breaks between paragraphs. The original meaning and tone of the message have been maintained.
From India, Ahmadabad
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Love Veer Zara Songs... Then this is for you
Main Employee number
Cubicle ke dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon apni hi tarah khaali baithe ek colleague ko dekhta hoon kabhi mail karta kabhi chat karta kabhi mobile pe baat karta
woh kehte hain woh GM hai woh kehte hain woh senior hai fir kyun mere jaisa lagta hai kyun din bhar Fw: padhta hai
Main Employee number
Cubicle ki dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon cabin me baithe apne GM ko dekhta hoon kabhi phone pe kabhi con-call pe gussa utarta jaane kis pe
woh kehte hain project aane wala hai training complete karo, kaam aane wala hai fir kyun mujhe yeh jhootha sa lagta hai fir kyun yeh sapna sa lagta hai
Main Employee number
Cubicle ke dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon Doosri companiyon ko join kar chuke purane doston ko dekhta hoon
woh kehte hain bond ka kya hai, chale jao woh kehte hain kahin aur kismat aazmao fir kyun bond todne se dil darta hai abhi ek saal aur intezaar karne ko jee karta hai
Main Employee number
Cubicle ki dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon
From India, Ahmadabad
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Main Employee number
Cubicle ke dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon apni hi tarah khaali baithe ek colleague ko dekhta hoon kabhi mail karta kabhi chat karta kabhi mobile pe baat karta
woh kehte hain woh GM hai woh kehte hain woh senior hai fir kyun mere jaisa lagta hai kyun din bhar Fw: padhta hai
Main Employee number
Cubicle ki dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon cabin me baithe apne GM ko dekhta hoon kabhi phone pe kabhi con-call pe gussa utarta jaane kis pe
woh kehte hain project aane wala hai training complete karo, kaam aane wala hai fir kyun mujhe yeh jhootha sa lagta hai fir kyun yeh sapna sa lagta hai
Main Employee number
Cubicle ke dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon Doosri companiyon ko join kar chuke purane doston ko dekhta hoon
woh kehte hain bond ka kya hai, chale jao woh kehte hain kahin aur kismat aazmao fir kyun bond todne se dil darta hai abhi ek saal aur intezaar karne ko jee karta hai
Main Employee number
Cubicle ki dewaron ke us paar dekhta hoon
From India, Ahmadabad
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Why Are Office Staff Tired?
Ever wonder why office staff are always dead tired by the end of the day, and companies require no further physical fitness programs for their employees? Reasons being... Everyone gets enough exercise:
Jumping to conclusions
Beating around the bush
Running down the boss
Going around in circles
Dragging their feet
Passing the buck
Climbing the ladder
Wading through paperwork
Pulling strings
Throwing their weight around
Stretching the truth
Bending the rules, and
Pushing their luck
No wonder they are all tired at the end of a working day!
From India, Ahmadabad
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Ever wonder why office staff are always dead tired by the end of the day, and companies require no further physical fitness programs for their employees? Reasons being... Everyone gets enough exercise:
Jumping to conclusions
Beating around the bush
Running down the boss
Going around in circles
Dragging their feet
Passing the buck
Climbing the ladder
Wading through paperwork
Pulling strings
Throwing their weight around
Stretching the truth
Bending the rules, and
Pushing their luck
No wonder they are all tired at the end of a working day!
From India, Ahmadabad
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What do you mean? Please explain. I'm glad you liked my post. Please post some more; looking forward to it.
Hey Ajmal... Looks like you have a treasure chest of jokes about the office. They are really funny. I was laughing really hard at the Veer Zaara one - amazing! Keep it up.
From India, Mumbai
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Hey Ajmal... Looks like you have a treasure chest of jokes about the office. They are really funny. I was laughing really hard at the Veer Zaara one - amazing! Keep it up.
From India, Mumbai
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Hi $uN@yN@
This time got your name correct... right...
Actually, my classmates sent it to me on Yahoo Groups. I pick up the one I think would fit in this thread and post it...
Here is one from Marketing Class...
A definition of marketing that makes sense...
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm very rich, marry me."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and points at you, saying, "He is very rich, marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I am very rich, marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up, straighten your tie, walk up to her, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I am very rich, marry me."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear that you're a fantastic guy, marry me."
That's Brand Recognition.
From India, Ahmadabad
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This time got your name correct... right...
Actually, my classmates sent it to me on Yahoo Groups. I pick up the one I think would fit in this thread and post it...
Here is one from Marketing Class...
A definition of marketing that makes sense...
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm very rich, marry me."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and points at you, saying, "He is very rich, marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I am very rich, marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up, straighten your tie, walk up to her, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I am very rich, marry me."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear that you're a fantastic guy, marry me."
That's Brand Recognition.
From India, Ahmadabad
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Yes, you've got it right :wink: And you won't believe this, but our marketing professor used the same examples while teaching us. I still remember them; he taught us this in the first semester. Oh, good source. Do keep posting.
From India, Mumbai
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From India, Mumbai
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Bhaiya Sreenivasan! (I said Brother Sreenivasan)
Whenever Chaudhry sahib reads this topic, he will kick you from IIPM for two reasons:
1) MOVIE IS "rok sako to rok lo" and not "rok saka tho rok lo"
2) You misspelled his name Arindam Chaudhry (real name: Arindam Chaudhry)
Handle with care! Just for fun, don't mind :)
From India, New Delhi
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Whenever Chaudhry sahib reads this topic, he will kick you from IIPM for two reasons:
1) MOVIE IS "rok sako to rok lo" and not "rok saka tho rok lo"
2) You misspelled his name Arindam Chaudhry (real name: Arindam Chaudhry)
Handle with care! Just for fun, don't mind :)
From India, New Delhi
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Hi $uN@yN@
Yes, the examples are quite old and famous... but perfect. Some more, this time on Accountants... [by the way, I have done my Bachelor's in commerce]
How do you know someone is an accounting major?
1. Their left arm is longer than their right arm from carrying their "Accounting Policy" notebook.
2. Their idea of a hot date is discussing the implementation details of accounting standards.
3. Their idea of having fun is making up jokes about MBA students.
4. They write notes to their "sweetheart" on 8-column paper.
5. When asked what time it is, they respond: 10:25 a.m. and 32 seconds; no... 34 seconds, no... 36 seconds, no....
6. They have an inferiority complex, they always feel "depreciated".
7. They try to open a "T" account at the local bank.
8. They arrange their wardrobe by color.
From India, Ahmadabad
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Yes, the examples are quite old and famous... but perfect. Some more, this time on Accountants... [by the way, I have done my Bachelor's in commerce]
How do you know someone is an accounting major?
1. Their left arm is longer than their right arm from carrying their "Accounting Policy" notebook.
2. Their idea of a hot date is discussing the implementation details of accounting standards.
3. Their idea of having fun is making up jokes about MBA students.
4. They write notes to their "sweetheart" on 8-column paper.
5. When asked what time it is, they respond: 10:25 a.m. and 32 seconds; no... 34 seconds, no... 36 seconds, no....
6. They have an inferiority complex, they always feel "depreciated".
7. They try to open a "T" account at the local bank.
8. They arrange their wardrobe by color.
From India, Ahmadabad
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The Performance Appraisal
John Jones, the head of the company, asked his manager to write a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his programmers.
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.
Signed ...
Jim
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT, FOLLOWING THE INITIAL LETTER:
John,
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly read only the odd-numbered lines above (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.
Regards ...
Jim
From India, Ahmadabad
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John Jones, the head of the company, asked his manager to write a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his programmers.
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.
Signed ...
Jim
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT, FOLLOWING THE INITIAL LETTER:
John,
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly read only the odd-numbered lines above (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.
Regards ...
Jim
From India, Ahmadabad
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Thanks for the Encouragement
Office Inspirational Posters:
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
From India, Ahmadabad
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Office Inspirational Posters:
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
From India, Ahmadabad
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Labor or Hard Labor.....
In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x 10' cell. At work, you spend most of your time in a 6'x 8' cubicle.
In prison, you get three meals a day. At work, you only get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for it.
In prison, you get time off for good behavior. At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison, you can watch TV and play games. At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit. At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison, you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work, you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison, you can join many programs that you can leave at any time. At work, there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison, there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work, we have managers.
From India, Ahmadabad
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In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x 10' cell. At work, you spend most of your time in a 6'x 8' cubicle.
In prison, you get three meals a day. At work, you only get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for it.
In prison, you get time off for good behavior. At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison, you can watch TV and play games. At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit. At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison, you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work, you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison, you can join many programs that you can leave at any time. At work, there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison, there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work, we have managers.
From India, Ahmadabad
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Hi Ajmal,
Great posts. I have got this one, not exactly a joke, still...
"In the confines of cubicles by artificial light,
Sipping coffee from the machines day and night.
Speaking on phones, in meetings we sit.
Staring at the monitor, the keyboards we hit.
Far away from loved ones whom we do not meet for days.
Remembering them, working on our seat.
This is life for us,
Working away from homes and loved ones in faraway places.
What a life, HR guys we are!"
Regards,
Thesysthink :)
From India, Pune
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Great posts. I have got this one, not exactly a joke, still...
"In the confines of cubicles by artificial light,
Sipping coffee from the machines day and night.
Speaking on phones, in meetings we sit.
Staring at the monitor, the keyboards we hit.
Far away from loved ones whom we do not meet for days.
Remembering them, working on our seat.
This is life for us,
Working away from homes and loved ones in faraway places.
What a life, HR guys we are!"
Regards,
Thesysthink :)
From India, Pune
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Hi all,
Don't you think that this is how our employee manual, in reality, looks like?
NEW EMPLOYEE MANUAL
Welcome aboard! You are one of our most valued new employees. Enclosed, please find some helpful guidelines to company policy.
OVERTIME - The Company has an optional overtime policy - you have the option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty hours of overtime.
PROMOTION - The Company rewards hard work and devotion. We like to think that if you work hard and devote enough time and energy to the company, you will be rewarded by being allowed to train the CEO's son when he is promoted to Vice President over you.
STOCK OPTIONS - You may buy shares in the company when it goes public. So named because you'll be working in the stockroom at Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due to your incompetence.
401k - This is how much money you'll lose under your "Stock Option" plan.
HEALTH PLAN - No, that isn't a misprint; you now belong to an H.M.O. That stands for "Hell's Medical Organization." It was organized by some of Hell's finest minds: Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Josef Stalin worked night and day to create a 162-page manual documenting the exact terms of your coverage, but it all boils down to three points:
1) You belong to the HMO. We mean that literally - as of now, the HMO owns you. To ensure that you don't forget your subscriber number, we will tattoo it on your forehead.
2) You have been assigned a primary care physician. You will not be told your physician's name. You may never see your physician. Your physician is imaginary. If you see any doctor without express written permission from your imaginary primary care physician, you will be forced to pay full price, plus eat your weight in lard.
3) You are not covered under this plan.
TERMINATION - All employees will be given two weeks' notice upon being fired. We like to feel that this gives an employee a "grace period" to steal all of the office supplies that he or she may have forgotten to take during his or her period of employment.
COMPLAINTS - May be made anonymously in the box marked "Complaints" in the employee break room. All complaints will be reviewed, processed, and fed to an angry Rottweiler named Frankie.
From India, Ahmadabad
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Don't you think that this is how our employee manual, in reality, looks like?
NEW EMPLOYEE MANUAL
Welcome aboard! You are one of our most valued new employees. Enclosed, please find some helpful guidelines to company policy.
OVERTIME - The Company has an optional overtime policy - you have the option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty hours of overtime.
PROMOTION - The Company rewards hard work and devotion. We like to think that if you work hard and devote enough time and energy to the company, you will be rewarded by being allowed to train the CEO's son when he is promoted to Vice President over you.
STOCK OPTIONS - You may buy shares in the company when it goes public. So named because you'll be working in the stockroom at Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due to your incompetence.
401k - This is how much money you'll lose under your "Stock Option" plan.
HEALTH PLAN - No, that isn't a misprint; you now belong to an H.M.O. That stands for "Hell's Medical Organization." It was organized by some of Hell's finest minds: Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Josef Stalin worked night and day to create a 162-page manual documenting the exact terms of your coverage, but it all boils down to three points:
1) You belong to the HMO. We mean that literally - as of now, the HMO owns you. To ensure that you don't forget your subscriber number, we will tattoo it on your forehead.
2) You have been assigned a primary care physician. You will not be told your physician's name. You may never see your physician. Your physician is imaginary. If you see any doctor without express written permission from your imaginary primary care physician, you will be forced to pay full price, plus eat your weight in lard.
3) You are not covered under this plan.
TERMINATION - All employees will be given two weeks' notice upon being fired. We like to feel that this gives an employee a "grace period" to steal all of the office supplies that he or she may have forgotten to take during his or her period of employment.
COMPLAINTS - May be made anonymously in the box marked "Complaints" in the employee break room. All complaints will be reviewed, processed, and fed to an angry Rottweiler named Frankie.
From India, Ahmadabad
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Hi All: I can’t say anything. Coz I’m :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Cheers:
From Malaysia, Ipoh
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From Malaysia, Ipoh
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AS AN EMPLOYEE.......
The biggest motive is salary. The unluckiest thing is promotion without a salary adjustment. The most fun thing is that you still get paid incrementally no matter what. The greatest talent is apple-polishing. The gravest mistake is to argue with your boss. The most demoralizing thing is to receive your salary late. The most pitiful thing is not getting your salary and your boss running away. The happiest thing is becoming your boss's boss. The cleverest thing is being late but your boss not knowing. The stupidest thing is publicly admitting that you are lazy. The most common thing is the boss saying one thing but meaning another. The proudest thing is sacking your boss (how I wish !!!!). The most unprofitable thing is working hard but your colleague taking the credit. The most dangerous thing is becoming a "two-headed" snake.
And the biggest satisfaction is... sending an email like this during office hours!!!
From India, Ahmadabad
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The biggest motive is salary. The unluckiest thing is promotion without a salary adjustment. The most fun thing is that you still get paid incrementally no matter what. The greatest talent is apple-polishing. The gravest mistake is to argue with your boss. The most demoralizing thing is to receive your salary late. The most pitiful thing is not getting your salary and your boss running away. The happiest thing is becoming your boss's boss. The cleverest thing is being late but your boss not knowing. The stupidest thing is publicly admitting that you are lazy. The most common thing is the boss saying one thing but meaning another. The proudest thing is sacking your boss (how I wish !!!!). The most unprofitable thing is working hard but your colleague taking the credit. The most dangerous thing is becoming a "two-headed" snake.
And the biggest satisfaction is... sending an email like this during office hours!!!
From India, Ahmadabad
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Human Resource Lingo
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat, or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
From India, Ahmadabad
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"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat, or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
From India, Ahmadabad
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A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "that'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the Project Manager."
From India, Madras
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The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the Project Manager."
From India, Madras
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There was a good old barber in Mumbai. One day, a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber, and the barber replies:
"I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service." The florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You" card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A confectioner goes for a haircut, and when he tries to pay the barber, the barber again refuses to take the money. The confectioner is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is another "Thank you" card and a dozen cakes waiting at his door.
A software engineer goes for a haircut, and when he tries to pay the barber, the barber once again refuses the money, stating it is a community service.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there...
A dozen software engineers waiting for a free haircut with printouts of forwarded emails mentioning the free haircut.
From India, Madras
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"I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service." The florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You" card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A confectioner goes for a haircut, and when he tries to pay the barber, the barber again refuses to take the money. The confectioner is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is another "Thank you" card and a dozen cakes waiting at his door.
A software engineer goes for a haircut, and when he tries to pay the barber, the barber once again refuses the money, stating it is a community service.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there...
A dozen software engineers waiting for a free haircut with printouts of forwarded emails mentioning the free haircut.
From India, Madras
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The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Way to ask for a raise:
"I must have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Really?" the boss asked. "What other companies are after you?"
"The gas company, the telephone company, and the electricity company," the man replied.
Good one.. First half was inspirational.. Latter half was realistic!!!
I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game-winning shot... and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that's precisely why I succeed.
Michael Jordan (1993-, American Basketball Player, Actor)
(AFTER READING THE ABOVE STATEMENT, I AM TEMPTED TO WRITE SOME TRUTH OF MY LIFE TOO....)
I have corrupted more than 9,000 programs in my career. I have crashed almost 300 computers. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to deliver a program on a deadline... and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that's precisely why I am still here!!!
Software Engineer (Further description not necessary)
From India, Madras
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The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Way to ask for a raise:
"I must have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Really?" the boss asked. "What other companies are after you?"
"The gas company, the telephone company, and the electricity company," the man replied.
Good one.. First half was inspirational.. Latter half was realistic!!!
I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game-winning shot... and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that's precisely why I succeed.
Michael Jordan (1993-, American Basketball Player, Actor)
(AFTER READING THE ABOVE STATEMENT, I AM TEMPTED TO WRITE SOME TRUTH OF MY LIFE TOO....)
I have corrupted more than 9,000 programs in my career. I have crashed almost 300 computers. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to deliver a program on a deadline... and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that's precisely why I am still here!!!
Software Engineer (Further description not necessary)
From India, Madras
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Hi Nivedhitha These humours are really good and i think one will forget all our worries on reading these.Thnks Nivedhitha
From India, New Delhi
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From India, New Delhi
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Glossary of Terms - Performance Appraisal
Term................................................Definition
A keen analyst - Makes mountains out of molehills
Active socially - Drinks heavily
Approaches difficult situations with enthusiasm - Delegates
Average officer - Not very bright
Character and integrity beyond reproach - Has not been found out
Conscientious - Scared
Demonstrates qualities of leadership - Talks too much
Exceptionally well qualified - Has committed no major blunders
Expresses himself well - Speaks English
Forceful and aggressive - Argumentative
Gets on well with supervisors - Gutless
Good staff relations - Too friendly with the opposite sex
Has potential - But not much else
Immature - Still plays cricket
Indifferent to instructions - Knows more than his controlling officer
Judgment is usually sound - Lucky
Keen sense of humor - Vast repertoire of dirty jokes
Mature - Retires next year
Quick thinking - Offers plausible excuses for mistakes
Shows initiative - Covers for boss's mistakes
Slightly below average - Stupid
Spends hours on the job - Miserable home life
Spouse is active socially - Spouse also drinks
Strong adherence to principles - Stubborn
Tactful in dealing with supervisors - Knows when to keep mouth shut
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress - Entertains senior officers
Takes pride in his work - Conceited
Unlimited potential - Won't progress beyond basic grade
Would benefit from wider experience - Get rid of the bastard
Zealous attitude - Opinionated
From India, Ahmadabad
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Term................................................Definition
A keen analyst - Makes mountains out of molehills
Active socially - Drinks heavily
Approaches difficult situations with enthusiasm - Delegates
Average officer - Not very bright
Character and integrity beyond reproach - Has not been found out
Conscientious - Scared
Demonstrates qualities of leadership - Talks too much
Exceptionally well qualified - Has committed no major blunders
Expresses himself well - Speaks English
Forceful and aggressive - Argumentative
Gets on well with supervisors - Gutless
Good staff relations - Too friendly with the opposite sex
Has potential - But not much else
Immature - Still plays cricket
Indifferent to instructions - Knows more than his controlling officer
Judgment is usually sound - Lucky
Keen sense of humor - Vast repertoire of dirty jokes
Mature - Retires next year
Quick thinking - Offers plausible excuses for mistakes
Shows initiative - Covers for boss's mistakes
Slightly below average - Stupid
Spends hours on the job - Miserable home life
Spouse is active socially - Spouse also drinks
Strong adherence to principles - Stubborn
Tactful in dealing with supervisors - Knows when to keep mouth shut
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress - Entertains senior officers
Takes pride in his work - Conceited
Unlimited potential - Won't progress beyond basic grade
Would benefit from wider experience - Get rid of the bastard
Zealous attitude - Opinionated
From India, Ahmadabad
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Hi,
At last, I managed to get one joke in this section, and here it goes:
THIS GOES ESPECIALLY TO THE PEOPLE IN THE IT SECTOR
Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training. Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter, and he gave his speech, which was well-received.
About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone, he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste.
Regards,
Soumya Shankar
From India, Bangalore
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At last, I managed to get one joke in this section, and here it goes:
THIS GOES ESPECIALLY TO THE PEOPLE IN THE IT SECTOR
Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training. Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter, and he gave his speech, which was well-received.
About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone, he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste.
Regards,
Soumya Shankar
From India, Bangalore
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Hey, this thread needs a restart. Looks like everyone forgot about this.
WAYS TO HAVE FUN IN THE WORKPLACE:
*(DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME...ONLY AT THE OFFICE)*
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."
Send an email to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.
Send an email back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a coworker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send email messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh, you've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
:)
From India, Mumbai
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WAYS TO HAVE FUN IN THE WORKPLACE:
*(DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME...ONLY AT THE OFFICE)*
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."
Send an email to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.
Send an email back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a coworker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send email messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh, you've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
:)
From India, Mumbai
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Hi Sunayna....
I am back... and it is nice that you have been rocking the forum as usual...
These quotes were taken from actual naval employee performance evaluations in Staffordshire:
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far and the sooner the better.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
He certainly takes a long time to make his point.
He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
He's been working with glue too much.
He would argue with a signpost.
He has a knack of making strangers immediately.
He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it.
If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he just gargled.
Takes him 1 and 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
I would not breed from this Officer.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
Technically sound, but socially impossible.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
In my opinion, this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
Some lines sourced from "Jackspeak: The Pusser's Rum Guide to Royal Navy Slanguage" by Rick Jolly, 1989.
From India, Ahmadabad
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I am back... and it is nice that you have been rocking the forum as usual...
These quotes were taken from actual naval employee performance evaluations in Staffordshire:
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far and the sooner the better.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
He certainly takes a long time to make his point.
He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
He's been working with glue too much.
He would argue with a signpost.
He has a knack of making strangers immediately.
He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it.
If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he just gargled.
Takes him 1 and 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
I would not breed from this Officer.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
Technically sound, but socially impossible.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
In my opinion, this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
Some lines sourced from "Jackspeak: The Pusser's Rum Guide to Royal Navy Slanguage" by Rick Jolly, 1989.
From India, Ahmadabad
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Hi Sunayna,
No need to restart the thread... This seems to be working great... Here's one more.
A Public Servant
A public servant dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you!'
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the public servant sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.'
'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. 'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!'
The public servant is awe-struck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.'
'That's simply impossible, son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets.'
BOOM BOOM now stop reading this and get back to work!
From India, Ahmadabad
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No need to restart the thread... This seems to be working great... Here's one more.
A Public Servant
A public servant dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you!'
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the public servant sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.'
'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. 'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!'
The public servant is awe-struck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.'
'That's simply impossible, son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets.'
BOOM BOOM now stop reading this and get back to work!
From India, Ahmadabad
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hey ppl, nice stuff.... really put a smile on my face on a Monday Morning! my contribution is here .... hope the attachment opens... Cheers Pallavi
From India, Pune
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From India, Pune
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Hi Ajmal, This is priya :icon1: . I am a new member in this forum, am working as a hr in chennai. Ur jokes on management is really nice keep posting. priyaa
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Here goes one more... real-life story...
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Authority) loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
The lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have the title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then-reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope... you find His original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our... loan?"
From India, Ahmadabad
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A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Authority) loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
The lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have the title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then-reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope... you find His original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our... loan?"
From India, Ahmadabad
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Hi $uN@yN@
I have come back, but still am not able to dedicate as much time as before to CiteHR. Still, here is something to contribute.
Some laws we know are true to office work:
Heller's observation:
"I love work. I can sit and watch it done for hours."
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
"People are always available for work in the past tense."
Benchley's Law:
"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it is not the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment."
Clyde's Law:
"If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you."
Crane's Rule:
"There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it."
Weiler's Law:
"Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself."
Moer's Truism:
"The trouble with most jobs is the resemblance to being in a sledge dog team. No one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog."
Cannon's Comment:
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
"Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
"Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in a hard day's work."
From India, Ahmadabad
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I have come back, but still am not able to dedicate as much time as before to CiteHR. Still, here is something to contribute.
Some laws we know are true to office work:
Heller's observation:
"I love work. I can sit and watch it done for hours."
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
"People are always available for work in the past tense."
Benchley's Law:
"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it is not the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment."
Clyde's Law:
"If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you."
Crane's Rule:
"There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it."
Weiler's Law:
"Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself."
Moer's Truism:
"The trouble with most jobs is the resemblance to being in a sledge dog team. No one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog."
Cannon's Comment:
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
"Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
"Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in a hard day's work."
From India, Ahmadabad
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2 rules for a good relationship with ur boss 1 - BOss is always right. 2 - if u disagree, go back to the first one.
From India, Mumbai
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From India, Mumbai
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