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Anonymous
Hello Everyone…

Iam begging for your support and suggestions..

My name is vandana ..and iam 29 yrs old Ghaziabad Based girl .. I have 6 yrs of exp into IT recruitment .. I resigned from my job just before week of my marriage .. my parents got only 15 days to do all arrangements for marriage …. My parents was worried abt my age.. so I decided to go for marriage.. my husband is also 29 yrs old .. he has spent his 28 yrs in village and on April, 2012 he started his job as a Sr. Supervisor in Chandigarh … He is Bsc + MBA in Production from Rohtak University .. But now his 3 elder brother are forcing him to sit at home and take care of thr parents property .. they don’t want Prabhat to make his better future..

I got married on 17 June, 2012. It was arrange marriage and it never went well from the beginning mainly due to vast culture and social difference between me and my husband ( Prabhat) side. he is from village side with very typical thinking and behaviour of in laws and he has no interest in trying to get change, and not taking any interest in learning modern way of leaving or have any conversation with anybody with my family . it seems, there is no hope to change his attitudes and way of thinking. basically we do not fit each other at all but now iam 29yrs old and don’t want to go for divorce .it is very difficult to convince any outsider that this could be the reason to get separated. but beyond that, . I don’t know how will I service my entire life with him , where there is no hope for love and affection and only thing and we have is senseless fight, arguments, mistrust and disrespect.

After 15 days of my marriage I got conceived … Prabhat said I will stay at my parents place for 10 days then he will take me to Chandigarh for 3 months .. I said ok .. in the mine while .. Prabhat was forcing to get a job in Noida … so tht he can also get shifted to Noida from Chandigargh .. …. I said Ok …. Then I started searching jobs in Noida … one day I got Faint in Bus due to pregnancy. after 15 days pregnancy … I called Prabhat ask him to give some money so tht I can go for Gyna treatment .. He denied for tht .. and said tht I have not made you pregnant .. this is not baby…and said I can’t afford your nursing home treatment bcoz I don’t have money to waste on you .. I went into depression and after completing of 1 month of Pega … I decided to go for termination of my Pregnancy .. my parents suggested me to not go for DNC .. but due to my husband behavior …. I intimated him bfore DNC .. then also he didn’t called me and asked abt the matter .. Infact my In laws was also not taking care of my pregnancy . they wants money not baby …

After DNC I decide to stay with my husband in Chandigarh so I been with him for 1 months.. thr also in Chandigarh my husband was forcing me to do job so simultaneously I was searching job in chandigargh just to help my husband .. He started blaming me abt my character and he use to check my mobile phone calls .. he says Iam dating with boys .. In the absence of him … Now these days Iam at my parents place since 4 months ..

Please bring some advice or information or suggestion before my life becomes unbearable and I does something serious with myself. Even Iam not ready to accept allimony, because Iam not ready for divorce.

with Regards

Vandana

(Helpless)

From India, Calcutta
Dear Vandana,
I am posting your query in CiteLegal. Your situation needs legal help and not just a counselling. You may not see many challenges that may come your way, an expert can help you weed them out. Please consider the advice that you would find from them.
CiteLegal -Family Laws

From India, Mumbai
Dear Vandana
Ms. (Cite Contribution) has put your query in the right forum. Please do visit the link for responses.
Meanwhile, I would humbly suggest that be brave; self-respect is the first casualty under such extremely stressful situation of life.
You have an experience of 6 years in IT recruitment; which is worthwhile and shall be able to empower you to be self-sufficient.
Please do not let your morale and motivation down, by letting your self-esteem and self-worth get affected. This happens when one pictures oneself as a victim and considers oneself as "helpless".
May God bless you with the strength and perseverance to tide over the bad times in your life.
Warm regards.

From India, Delhi
Hi (Cite Contribution),
thanks you for posting my query into the right forum .. well my husband wants me to be at home .. without any communication with my people .. , my parents , family etc .. in fact he says not to go for social site .. to interact my people .. wht to do .. now a days iam jobless and no mobile ... nothing is with me now .. then also he is not letting me to stay with him .. sometimes i feel like to give him divorce .. but divorce is not the solution .. of my problem .. he dont want me to work ....
wht to doo ?? iam seriously helpless now
Regards
vandana

From India, Calcutta
Dear Vandana,
I am sure you have a view to why you would n't want a divorce. Expecting him to change his ways , would be impractical. Hence, you need a better view to what should be your best way out and your rights.
A job is a must for you, no matter how much he tries to control your contacts. Control mechanisms are directly connected to the fear of losing and other insecrurities. Even if he is initiating divorce, you need to have a better view to what would come to you.
Build your future and keep your morale very high. Surviving a situation , same as yours take guts and intelligence. Please credit yourself for that.
Friction in daily life will smarten you and wisen beyond measure. He will allow you to work eventually , given the fact that he is not financially independent. Income from his family will limit him, soon. You need to have a clear view to the income that you might have from your job.
I am looking forward to the views from our legal experts

From India, Mumbai
Dear Vandana,
I am no legal expert. As others have asked, ask yourself why you do not want to opt for divorce. I know people who have younger siblings not wanting to spoil the name of the family, etc. I suggest that you do a Force Field Analysis of your situation. Personal Force Field Analysis
Kindly also see Divorce In India | Social Stigma | Female Equality

From United Kingdom
HI Simhan,
Thanks for the suggestion
Might be you are right .. Iam afraid of my society ,, family .. I dont want to go for divorce .. I want to give one more chance to him .. so tht he can change himself .... yes thts true he is financially not very strong .. bcoz he has just started his career last in April 2012 .. and his family is supporting him to fullfill his needs .... wht i have observed ,,,, tht He is still dependent on his family ... my fight with him is only tht .. make yourself independent ... and respect your self esteem.. bcoz i dont want him to leg-down evreytime in front of his family ... bcoz i know thr is now scope of leaving with them together .... so better separated with my husband .. and he dont want to stay separately.....

From India, Calcutta
Dear Vandana,
I am at a loss. On the one hand you say he has lived in the village and on the other you say that he has an MBA from Rhotak university. One of the mistakes we do is get married with the hope that we can change the other person; for example, you think your husband will change and he thinks you will get used to sitting at home in a village and look after his parents. What do his brothers do? Are they in the village or working in cities?
There is a saying "Leopards do not change their spots". If he is accusing you of adultry and that the child you are carrying is his, you can always get a DNA test done (It is expensive). For the child's sake it is not worth living in an abusive relationship. May be, you should both seek counselling first before going for divorce. This is the view of this old man.

From United Kingdom
I second Simhan. You marry the faults and not just the person. Little crude, but thats how it is. We respect your will to standby. Here's my question, how long do you think you can battle around with no end in sight ? He is not ready to put his foot down for a career, thats because he doesn't see any point to it. This must have been a norm at his family.

Families have been managed through people who agree to take care of it , foregoing their own growth. Picture yourself there , or stay away.

Respect and value him, just as the way you are doing now. Look upto him for his convictions and don't expect him to change, no matter what. Give yourself a timeline, that you will need to bounce back, if at all you wish to. Your life will not be smooth or rosy , you will have to still carve out your own path and bear the brunt as well. Guard against all the possible lows, but know your tradeoffs.

Be prepared for the time it will take to settle down and the expenses as well. Stability and happiness is definitely a state of mind, still needs the world to be less corrosive.

From India, Mumbai
HI Simhon & (Cite Contribution),
thanks for helping me to overcome with this stressful situation .. Yes i know life is tough with him ...
Simhon :- As per the conversation held bfore the marriage tht .. he is MBA in Production .. but after the marriage .. I asked him abt to show your educational certificates .. he denied and said u should hv ask bfore the marriage not now .. thr is no point of asking for certificate now .. I said ok wht ever ....
I know iam playing with my life and destroying it ..
(Cite Contribution) :- yes you are correct .. he dont want to be self dependent.. then also iam respecting him ...
once again thank you soooo much for the valuable suggestions ... and guidance

From India, Calcutta

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