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Please send me a sample of one of your correspondence with HO or Corporate Clients and I shall revert to you with my comments and suggestions. My email is available on my website listed under my name below. Alternatively you can upload the same here and others too can study it and add their suggestions.
Please remove the name of the organization you work for and any reference to a client or any confidential information before you share the communication
26th July 2012 From India, Mumbai
We kindly inform you that, xxxxx is having less than satisfactory experience with our supplied BBM & BCM. This has now become a very sensitive issue to handle. We are losing customers like anything because of these machines.
Since you are well aware that xxxxx is a key customer of Gujarat region. Our business relations as well personal level relations are now spoiled because of these defective machines. We are not at all in favor of replacement of these machines and thus we are losing such valuable customer along with others customers.
We wish to hear from you the soonest possible so that we do not lose this customer as it is not at all affordable for us.
Thank you very much for your feedback. I have mentioned one letter above where you can understand that this letter is sent to HO on the behalf of Director so I am confused whether I can use "I or we".
Sometimes I feel we is quite okay as its on the behalf of management but director himself is writing the letter so again getting confused.
it will be of great help if you can update me for same.
Thank you once again and sorry for such late reply on the thread that too started by me for seeking help. Hope you will forgive me this time and will give your valuable input on same.
31st August 2012 From India, Mumbai
Far from worrying about I or we, I recommend you concentrating on the structure of the sentence or the structure of the paragraph. I say so because your first paragraph is disaster as far as business writing is concerned. After reading several times, I feel that following should be the structure of the first paragraph:
1. This is inform you that, xxxxx is not satisfied with BBM & BCM that we have supplied to them. The under-performance of these machines has become a very sensitive issue to handle. Because of the under-performance of these machines our customer base is shrinking.
2. You are well aware that xxxxx is a key customer of Gujarat region. supply of these defective machines have spoiled our business relations. Since we are not in favor of replacement of these machines, we are losing such valuable customer along with others customers.
3. We wish to hear from you on the replacement of the machines and also supply of defect free machines. It will help us in retaining the existing customers.
Notes: - I have drafted the letter based on my understanding. Practical requirement or ground reality may be different.
Following are the rules of business writing:
a) Always start with background information i.e. what happened in the past and then move on the consequences and lastly your expectations i.e. what other party needs to do
b) let there be some transitory words or sentences in between
c) Use active voice over passive voice
d) Communication, verbal or written makes impact when we use some specific words. In your communication words like "under-performance", "customer base" were missing.
e) You need to learn business writing skills seriously.
Dinesh V Divekar
31st August 2012 From India, Bangalore
Mr.Divekar has given you some good inputs on the subject. Since your director is writing on behalf of the company, using WE is acceptable in my view.
I have taken the liberty of drafting the inter-office communication again based on my understanding of the facts as shared by you in your draft IOM.
It is essential that the gist of the complains be specified in the communication and the facts about customer complaints shared to enable the recipients to understand the seriousness of the issue.
Hope the draft enables you to draft a suitable IOM.
31st August 2012 From India, Mumbai
Thank you so much for your valuable inputs. I do understand that I am lacking in English and result of same is reflected in my writing too.
I learned in vernacular medium so might be the reason but then I have started reading more business communication from last few days so hoping that I will improve with English vocabulary so that I can be more specific to use proper words on appropriate places.
The drafts which are shared by you are so perfect that they are conveying exactly what we wished to convey.
I am happy that I opened the thread and saw first reply and and posted the my drafts; this has really helped me to understand where exactly I am lacking.
I will keep posting about the problems which I am facing while communicating so can improve myself with such valuable inputs by seniors.
Thank you once again.
1st September 2012 From India, Mumbai
Thanks for the acknowledgement of our efforts. Very few write "thank you" posts. You may check following thread also. I have recommended corrections in the draft provided by other member:
Dinesh V Divekar
1st September 2012 From India, Bangalore