Love marriage vs Arranged marriage

Love Marriage: Resembles procedural programming language.

We have some set functions like flirting, going to

movies together, making long conversations on phone, mails and

then try to fit all functions to the candidate we like.

Arranged Marriage: Similar to object oriented programming

approach. We first fix the candidate and then try to

implement functions on her. The main object is fixed and

various functions are added to supplement the main program.

The functions can be added or deleted.

Love Marriage: It is a throwaway type of prototype as

client requirements rises with time thus it is a dynamic

system and difficult to maintain.

Arranged Marriage: Requirements are well defined so use

of waterfall model is possible.

Love Marriage: Family system hangs because hardware

called parents are not responding.

Arranged Marriage: Compatible with hardware Parents.

Love Marriage: You are the project leader so u are

responsible for implementation and execution of PROJECT

(married life).

Arranged Marriage: You are a team member under project

leader parents so they are responsible for successful

execution of project (Married life).

Love Marriage: Client expectations include exciting

feature as spouse cooking food, washing clothes etc.

Arranged Marriage: All these features are covered in

the SRS as required features.

Love Marriage: Acceptance test possible you can try

before you Buy.

Arranged Marriage: Product is sold as is where is

basis. Product once sold will not be taken back.

From India, Hyderabad
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welcome to

From India, Delhi

Interesting argument, just go through the substract below from

one of India's renowned writers; (Its a bit long...)

The latest book by Shobhaa Dé - The Truth About Marriage

I have seen as many successful ‘arranged’ marriages, as ‘love’ marriages. This is, of course, a peculiarly Indian description that amuses the rest of the world. But hey, I see ‘arranged’ or ‘semi-arranged’ marriages catching on, even in the West. Perhaps people have woken up to the reality that there are no real guarantees, no safety nets, either way. You can consult the most revered astrologer, talk to the family pundit, match horoscopes for all the ‘gunas’ endorsed by the shastras, but if a marriage has to collapse, it will. Ditto for a marriage driven by emotion, which we so cutely call a ‘love marriage’. It’s a fifty-fifty chance, whichever option one takes.

Young people have figured this out, perhaps intuitively. A lot of kids today are entrusting this all-important decision to their folks—parents, relatives, even well-meaning friends. Of course, the new ‘arrangement’ is more open-ended and better structured. Devoid of the old ‘rules’, which prescribed the ghastly ‘Dekho’ session, the social meetings orchestrated by middle men or women these days work in a more acceptable fashion.

My father recalls his first encounter with my mother with a wry smile, so many decades later. He describes each stage as if it happened last week. How his eldest brother asked to see the ‘girl’ in broad daylight, and insisted on her displaying a bit of her ankles too! This was to make sure my mother was not lame, had no deformities in her lower limbs that a flowing nine-yard saree could successfully camouflage, and that she could walk unaided! The ‘broad daylight’ factor was to judge the exact shade of her complexion—naturally light-skinned, or caked with ‘snow’ and talcum powder? Fortunately, she was not asked to sing, dance or produce a culinary miracle for the guests’ benefit!

Apart from this, their formal meeting, my uncle also surprised my mother’s family with an unscheduled visit, during which he demanded the ‘girl’ be produced in an ‘as is’ condition, without as much as running a comb through her hair (beware! Maybe the future bride is bald and wearing a wig!).

Once she passed his scrutiny, the talks progressed to the matching of horoscopes. Alas! The family priest declared the match entirely unsuitable, insisting there was no hope for such an ill-starred couple. I understand he was ‘persuaded’ to reconfigure the astral positions with a few additional rupees thrown in for a fresh verdict. And bingo! The match was declared to be perfect after all. And so it was!

I often ask my father what he thinks are the two basic factors that made his marriage a success. He always gives me the same answer: ‘character and abiding love’. With these comes the rest of the package. It helped, of course, that my father flipped for my mother’s looks at first glance. But what about her? Did she have a choice in the matter? He insists she did and that nobody could have forced the spirited seventeen-year-old Shakuntala to marry a man she did not fancy.

What about fights? Differences? Tantrums? Of course their marriage had their fair share of all these. But beyond occasional arguments and sulks, I don’t recall a day of sustained hostility or unpleasantness. If they had problems, they settled them in privacy. It was, in many ways, a great marriage, full of sharing, caring and deep understanding. And more than that, full of communication.

One need not rule out either communication or passion in a modern-day arranged match. Recently, while in America, I met several extremely bright American Desis. I confess I was a little surprised when told that most of the young couples slaving away for their MBAs, were in fact, not the dating couples I imagined, who’d taken campus romance to the altar, but couples who’d met as strangers through family intervention. In this day and age, these kids had taken the crucial seven steps around the holy fire, without so much as holding hands before the wedding night! And here they were, some with young children, others still settling into their new lives as ‘young marrieds’, but nobody could possibly guess that they had opted for a conventional ‘arranged’ marriage out of choice. When I expressed my surprise, they drawled, ‘Aaw—no big deal . . . it has worked out just great!’ And so it seemed!

In Mumbai, too, more and more children of parents I know are leaving it to mom and dad to look for the right alliance. ‘My mother knows me better than I know myself,’ a young man confessed, ‘I trust her judgement. My dad has seen the world, he has more experience. They know what’s good for me.’ And these are guys in their mid-thirties, who have studied in foreign universities, dated a few girls, done the party circuit. And yet, when it came to marriage, they were more than happy to settle for a conventional, old-fashioned match. Much like their grandparents!

It was my generation that stupidly rebelled against a system that had worked perfectly well for centuries. A lot of us paid the price for letting our impulsive hearts decide who our life partners would be. No regrets. Just that I fear we were blindly following the West and taking our cues from Hollywood, just to prove to our parents how ‘liberated’ and ‘modern’ we were.

Our kids are smarter. And more realistic. They’ve seen too many marriages collapse and they definitely don’t want repeat performances in their own lives. Force-fed on romantic drivel from countless movies, it’s a generation that laughs at the old Mills and Boon version of marriage. They ache for performance and stability. If an arranged match can provide both, they’re not averse to considering it.

My own girls receive proposals from suitable (!) boys, through well-meaning intermediaries. So far nothing has clicked. But at least the girls aren’t scoffing. Ditto for the boys, who shrug ‘whatever’, which translates to ‘It’s okay’. Which is perhaps why I wasn’t caught entirely by surprise when I met those desi young marrieds in the US.

They were refreshingly candid while talking about the methodical manner in which their parents had gone about the whole thing. The girls were all educated, attractive professionals who looked happy enough as they adapted to an entirely alien culture with an entirely alien partner.

‘ We got to know each other only after the wedding. But it has worked out,’ they insisted. Some had had earlier relationships, but claimed that fact did not colour their decision. They’d made informed choices and expressed no regrets.

On the other hand, I also met alarmingly young divorcees (some with babies), who lamented the day they’d said, ‘I do’ to a boyfriend of long standing. ‘We thought we knew each other so well. We were used to each other’s ways, too. God knows what went wrong after we got married. It reached a point where we couldn’t stand the sight of one another.’ Can happen. Does happen. Love . . . passion . . . desire . . . madness . . . where does everything vanish? Nobody knows.

The worst thing about a love marriage that ends up on the rocks is that parents get all huffy and judgemental. ‘We told you it wouldn’t work. Did you listen? We knew he wasn’t the right person. Now look where you are.’ Parents in such a situation do have a point. But they also need to rise above their own feelings of outrage and false pride and provide much needed empathy to a child who has made a mistake and is going through hell.

Love marriages may be more common now than they once were in our society, but that’s only because of increased mobility and access. Dating starts during the teenage years. Couples might see each other for close to a decade before tying the knot. But even such marriages can collapse, much to the parents’ dismay. ‘After ten long years you people still didn’t know what you were doing! Ridiculous!’

Parents must avoid this harsh judgement trap and extend a helping hand to an emotionally distressed offspring dealing with a broken marriage and much else. This is a time which can only be described as wretched. I know the feeling. I’ve gone through it myself.

Your self-worth is at its lowest and you’ve never felt as desperately alone. You also feel the entire world is sitting in judgement over what is a personal and painful decision. Friends take sides, cast aspersions, play the blame game. As for foes—they gloat and chortle with glee, while trading the ugliest rumours and theories as to why the marriage collapsed.

If, at such a time, your immediate family turns its back on you too, then why call yourself family in the first place? All it takes is a little sensitivity, a little love, a little patience. I keep running into single parents trying hard to cope with a failed marriage, while presenting a tough facade. Having been there, I can identify with the emotion. No matter what anybody says, it isn’t easy. Never was, never will be. Society is not known for its kindness. When the chips are down, you have just one person to fall back on—yourself!

Not every love match is similarly doomed. There are enough marriages based on great romance. Marriages that have survived all attempts to ruin them. Couples who have battled tremendous odds to be together—religious problems, caste problems, class problems, too. Yet, I fear the vulgarization of the entire love-marriage phenomenon.

At least some of the blame for this has to be shared by popular Hindi cinema. Love ke liye kuch bhi karega and similar sentiments. Nearly everyday, our newspapers run headlines about lovers caught in some hideous situation—elopements gone awry; acid attacks on women who have turned down ardent suitors; kidnappings and rapes. All this in the name of ‘love’. It’s not just an urban problem. These ludicrous manifestations of ‘love’ can be found in rural India, too! A direct spin-off of Bollywood potboilers, I’m convinced.

Marry for love, by all means. But be realistic at the same time. Marrying ‘above’ or ‘beneath’ your own level is an option only the stout-hearted should take. Even in this day and age, a large part of India is still preoccupied with caste and class. Those who attempt to cross either or both, will necessarily be up against a great deal of resistance.

To have the guts to stand up for your beliefs and marry the person you fancy, despite daunting odds, is a challenge. If, on the other hand, you are lucky enough to flip for someone you can happily take home to mother, go for it. There is no better reason to give up your independence than to be with a person you love and who loves you. But love alone is no guarantee.

At the end of the day, it’s back to the C-word: commitment. A couple in an ‘arranged’ match can fall in love later and make a success of their marriage. But someone opting for love cannot then look for the rewards of an arranged alliance.

Love is meant to overcome all odds and embrace any and every complication. Nothing quite as unrealistic or lofty is expected from a more conventional approach. Which is why, the next time someone rolls up flashing the right credentials and with serious intent, I shall swiftly arrange a dekho session at Mumbai’s all-time favourite ‘dekho’ venue—the old-fashioned ‘Sea Lounge’ at the Taj Mahal Hotel. Imagine me as a ‘proper’ mother-in-law! You can’t? Too bad. I can!

From India,
hi harsha, u posted smthing worth reading... it left me thinking,,, very true...but then when u are into love , really u get blind and no present, past or future u can think of.. dips
From India, Delhi
Well Deeps, Do’nt know much of the reactive phenomenon associated with Lovebites. But, there seems to be a trend moving back towards arranged marriages. Regards, Harsha
From India,
Thank you Poonam.
That's a good one Harsha. What really requires either in case of Love or Arranged mariage is trust and understanding between the partners. They form the pillars for longlasting relationship.

From India, Hyderabad
hi all,
i totally agree with the line in the post by harsha
"If, at such a time, your immediate family turns its back on you too, then why call yourself family in the first place?"
it is actually very difficult for anyside , the lovers or the families, to see the other's point of view. so wat does one do if a cold war exists?
yes it is right for the parents to worry for their wards, but do they really think being emotional n all will benifit their children?
but sometimes the parents oppose the match coz they fear the society n not coz they feel so themselves!
am short on time ... shall continue later..

From India, Pune

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