New CompanyPolicies - CiteHR
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Hi there

NEW COMPANY POLICIES

EFFECTIVE: July 20, 2007


Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

(1) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will

assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

(2) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,

so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a

raise.

(3) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and

therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If

you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year; they are called

Fridays and Saturdays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead

friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have

non-employees attend to the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where

employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in

the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your

lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a

strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three

minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the

stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second

offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under

the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture

will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so

they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to

get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get

5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a

Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a

positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,

concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,

insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation

and input should be directed elsewhere.

BR

Fay

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