The last incidence in my life forced me to see the things from a different window.
I was in discussion with this guy. Up to the point where the discussion was going in his favour, everything went smooth but as I opened my arsenal of brand new arguments with unbreakable shield. Thing suddenly turned ugly. He intentionally guided that discussion into personal insult and fired hundreds of derogatory remarks on me. But in this whole scene my tongue behaved like a good girl (As I don`t believe in attacking personally in an argument)
At last, we were called by our bosses and the discussion ended up there (Thanks to the bosses)
But after 2 or 3 hours he came back with a fake smile and soulless sentences "Don`t take it personally, It was not meant to hurt you, all the part and parcel of arguments blah blah blah.........."
Any time when feel we are hurt, rejected, insulted, or any negative emotion. We have already taken that personally. Now for the sake of saying we can say "It’s OK, or it does n` t matter" but you can`t go in past and remove those feeling.
I am yet to find a person on this earth, who is above taking thing personally. No one is.
Now the million dollar question is how to work with those emotions?
Something should be done. I can`t let anybody disturb my emotional balance with some foolish and idiotic statements.
The usual thing which million of mindless chicken heart people will say or follow is "Forget it, or don`t let it upset you, or it doesn`t matter what he says or you are batter then him etc...." and the irony is at that time it seems a noble thing to do.
To get over it with few good reasons, they will definitely fall flat in front of your emotions. Because emotions don`t understand logic. If you are angry, you angry, no logic in it. If you feel insulted, you can`t control it.
But have found that there are three ways in which we can work with the emotions
1) Don`t take it personally (Won`t work. It actually never have worked)
2) Take it personally right there
3) Take it personally later
We have discussed over the first one now it is the turn of 2nd and 3rd
Take it personally right there:-
In this case, you do whatever it takes to pull down that son of a b****. How dare he?
You can argue back, Do a Tit for Tat or essentially changing the topic. The details don’t really matter.
What matters is that you don’t let yourself feel the after effect of those statements.
But there is slight glitch in that, the feeling would goes unaddressed, so you’ll never have a chance to heal. Or to learn from the situation to better protect you in the future.
All because you had no good reasons to not take it personally.
Take it personally later:-
In this case, Learning from the Incident is more important. Here you understand that this guy has rubbed you wrongly but why the feeling of taking it personally is coming.
You try to reason yourself with "why I should not take this personally"
Mind it once you reached on "why not to take this personally". You will be relaxed with much better reasons.
And you will easily get over it after taking it personally.
I could have discussed here many on going thing in country which we should take personally but left on the readers discretion.....
Please leave a comment about not thanking me but about what as an INDIAN we should take personally to save our country and it pride.
Source of the article :Wisdom from an idiot
From India, Delhi
146I was in discussion with this guy. Up to the point where the discussion was going in his favour, everything went smooth but as I opened my arsenal of brand new arguments with unbreakable shield. Thing suddenly turned ugly. He intentionally guided that discussion into personal insult and fired hundreds of derogatory remarks on me. But in this whole scene my tongue behaved like a good girl (As I don`t believe in attacking personally in an argument)
At last, we were called by our bosses and the discussion ended up there (Thanks to the bosses)
But after 2 or 3 hours he came back with a fake smile and soulless sentences "Don`t take it personally, It was not meant to hurt you, all the part and parcel of arguments blah blah blah.........."
Any time when feel we are hurt, rejected, insulted, or any negative emotion. We have already taken that personally. Now for the sake of saying we can say "It’s OK, or it does n` t matter" but you can`t go in past and remove those feeling.
I am yet to find a person on this earth, who is above taking thing personally. No one is.
Now the million dollar question is how to work with those emotions?
Something should be done. I can`t let anybody disturb my emotional balance with some foolish and idiotic statements.
The usual thing which million of mindless chicken heart people will say or follow is "Forget it, or don`t let it upset you, or it doesn`t matter what he says or you are batter then him etc...." and the irony is at that time it seems a noble thing to do.
To get over it with few good reasons, they will definitely fall flat in front of your emotions. Because emotions don`t understand logic. If you are angry, you angry, no logic in it. If you feel insulted, you can`t control it.
But have found that there are three ways in which we can work with the emotions
1) Don`t take it personally (Won`t work. It actually never have worked)
2) Take it personally right there
3) Take it personally later
We have discussed over the first one now it is the turn of 2nd and 3rd
Take it personally right there:-
In this case, you do whatever it takes to pull down that son of a b****. How dare he?
You can argue back, Do a Tit for Tat or essentially changing the topic. The details don’t really matter.
What matters is that you don’t let yourself feel the after effect of those statements.
But there is slight glitch in that, the feeling would goes unaddressed, so you’ll never have a chance to heal. Or to learn from the situation to better protect you in the future.
All because you had no good reasons to not take it personally.
Take it personally later:-
In this case, Learning from the Incident is more important. Here you understand that this guy has rubbed you wrongly but why the feeling of taking it personally is coming.
You try to reason yourself with "why I should not take this personally"
Mind it once you reached on "why not to take this personally". You will be relaxed with much better reasons.
And you will easily get over it after taking it personally.
I could have discussed here many on going thing in country which we should take personally but left on the readers discretion.....
Please leave a comment about not thanking me but about what as an INDIAN we should take personally to save our country and it pride.
Source of the article :Wisdom from an idiot
From India, Delhi
Hi Asish Sir.,
Once you open up an argument with new view when a person appears to be already going superior in a discussion, he will automatically become furious and he cant accept the real fact that what you say is right. so he reacts by teasing you personally so that he could actually make up his mind that he is superior.....
Many people have caome across this incident. If its me " I will surely take it personally" and wont show it in front of him. if i show some cues that am feeling uncomfortable with his comments, I myself showed him that i have lost in an argument. Instead just ignore his comments at the moment when he speaks and can stress on points about what the discussion is going on".......... and later we should have a recap of what happens while discussing the issue and should clearly understand how that person reacts when he doesn't have answer logically.and then we should devise a new tact when we come across such people in future.
THis is my view Ashish sir and am doing this still now..... looking forward for your replies sir..........
From India, Coimbatore
Once you open up an argument with new view when a person appears to be already going superior in a discussion, he will automatically become furious and he cant accept the real fact that what you say is right. so he reacts by teasing you personally so that he could actually make up his mind that he is superior.....
Many people have caome across this incident. If its me " I will surely take it personally" and wont show it in front of him. if i show some cues that am feeling uncomfortable with his comments, I myself showed him that i have lost in an argument. Instead just ignore his comments at the moment when he speaks and can stress on points about what the discussion is going on".......... and later we should have a recap of what happens while discussing the issue and should clearly understand how that person reacts when he doesn't have answer logically.and then we should devise a new tact when we come across such people in future.
THis is my view Ashish sir and am doing this still now..... looking forward for your replies sir..........
From India, Coimbatore
Develop a thick skin and be cool.
Most of the arguments are useless - suppose you believe India should play cricket with Pakistan and I believe we should not till the time they stop sending terrorists. What happens if we get into an argument - you give your reasons and I give mine. We both try to convince each other that our view is right. But why do we even need to do that? You keep your opinion and I keep mine. Why do we have to have same views?
Dale Carnegie in "How to win friends and influence people" deals with this very beautifully. He has a simple lesson - No one wins an argument and so never get into an argument.
You would have seen in your daily life too - the people who have a lot of friends, who are popular and who are better at dealing with people do not get into arguments while those who get into arguments are not liked by many.
From India, Delhi
Most of the arguments are useless - suppose you believe India should play cricket with Pakistan and I believe we should not till the time they stop sending terrorists. What happens if we get into an argument - you give your reasons and I give mine. We both try to convince each other that our view is right. But why do we even need to do that? You keep your opinion and I keep mine. Why do we have to have same views?
Dale Carnegie in "How to win friends and influence people" deals with this very beautifully. He has a simple lesson - No one wins an argument and so never get into an argument.
You would have seen in your daily life too - the people who have a lot of friends, who are popular and who are better at dealing with people do not get into arguments while those who get into arguments are not liked by many.
From India, Delhi
Hi,
Few such incidents has happened to me as well. The ones who does that are kind of persons who either can't take critism or feedback positively to them. And you are more than right, we are ougth to take it personally. But after such incident happens, the important things need to be addressed by us for ourself is post Heeling and Learning. So heel your heart and mind. I confronted this issue with my boss and Plant Head by writing a mail. So we both were called and heard. And as I knew I was not wrong that man was given lessons and warnings. So it heeled my mind and heart as I was heard and him got his treatment. But since in your case I don't know what exactly your boss did to resolve the issue. You can tell yourself that you were not wrong at all and that man is a fool and sick. That you can prove in any possible situation and incident that may take place in future. Be yourself and comfortable in front of that guy. It will make him uncomfortable for sure. Trust your abilities professionally, mentally and emotionally. Second is learning. I hope, all above will work and will be a learning for you for future.
From India, Lucknow
Few such incidents has happened to me as well. The ones who does that are kind of persons who either can't take critism or feedback positively to them. And you are more than right, we are ougth to take it personally. But after such incident happens, the important things need to be addressed by us for ourself is post Heeling and Learning. So heel your heart and mind. I confronted this issue with my boss and Plant Head by writing a mail. So we both were called and heard. And as I knew I was not wrong that man was given lessons and warnings. So it heeled my mind and heart as I was heard and him got his treatment. But since in your case I don't know what exactly your boss did to resolve the issue. You can tell yourself that you were not wrong at all and that man is a fool and sick. That you can prove in any possible situation and incident that may take place in future. Be yourself and comfortable in front of that guy. It will make him uncomfortable for sure. Trust your abilities professionally, mentally and emotionally. Second is learning. I hope, all above will work and will be a learning for you for future.
From India, Lucknow
It is very human that whatever happens during the day affects us in one way or other. The solution is to have a set of criteria / set priority / importance of person in one's life. Affecting our day would be easy for the one who is most close / personally attached to us. On the contrary people who are not so close might affect us for the moment / day but we tend to dilute those feelings soon.
Not getting into the argument is not the solution to taking things personally or not. At times, listening to others debate (even while not entering into an argument yourself ) wherein you've been named or claimed to do something without checking whether that is true or not might affect us personally.
The other side of the coin; you can keep your opinions to yourself but this way we also restrict the opportunities to think out of the box and share one's knowledge. One must know the limit of using words / control language which does not hurt other.
From India, Ahmedabad
Not getting into the argument is not the solution to taking things personally or not. At times, listening to others debate (even while not entering into an argument yourself ) wherein you've been named or claimed to do something without checking whether that is true or not might affect us personally.
The other side of the coin; you can keep your opinions to yourself but this way we also restrict the opportunities to think out of the box and share one's knowledge. One must know the limit of using words / control language which does not hurt other.
From India, Ahmedabad
Greetings,
How many of us are watching the stimulus that our brains receive or often pick ? We have endlessly read about the mental process on how a stimulus evolve into a thought and there by an action .
How many of us are actually watching ourselves through the entire process? Its easy to do it during a meditation session. What about the situations such as debating or even any other action which is bound to send a flight or fight signal to our brain ?
'Un-hook ' is easy word when we are recommending it to someone else, as we are objective about the incident . How easy do we find to 'un-hook' from an high-emotional-drama scene ?
Recoiling from a hurt will always remain a far cry, till we remain unsure of the path that lead us to it
How many waking hours in a day do we spend in our mind gym/spa ?
I am curious !
From India, Mumbai
How many of us are watching the stimulus that our brains receive or often pick ? We have endlessly read about the mental process on how a stimulus evolve into a thought and there by an action .
How many of us are actually watching ourselves through the entire process? Its easy to do it during a meditation session. What about the situations such as debating or even any other action which is bound to send a flight or fight signal to our brain ?
'Un-hook ' is easy word when we are recommending it to someone else, as we are objective about the incident . How easy do we find to 'un-hook' from an high-emotional-drama scene ?
Recoiling from a hurt will always remain a far cry, till we remain unsure of the path that lead us to it
How many waking hours in a day do we spend in our mind gym/spa ?
I am curious !
From India, Mumbai
Hello Every One,
This is a very interesting thread.
Situation portrayed is something which all of us are familiar with.
Yet all of us struggle at some point to deal with it effectively.
Views expressed by our members are excellent.
Let me try to add some more views from other dimensions.
Taking emotions personally in an argument is the issue.
Three solutions offered are
1.0 Don’t take it personally ( it is concluded that it will not work)
2.0 Take it personally right there.
3.0 Take it personally later.
In a day we discuss many things. Some are accepted some or not.
Granting that we are all on an average, calm going people, such situations of
an argument that requires the intervention of a third party
( boss in this case) is rare.
If it happens frequently, we have to do more home work to come to normal levels.
So far so good.
Suppose we come to know in advance that the argument is likely
to go personal, most of us would stop it, when tempers are normal
and discussions are issue based. Unfortunately we get involved so much
that the desire to be right or win an argument becomes the primary concern.
So we try all means, before things start becoming ugly and personal.
We do hear people say “ You may be right: but I will not / I do not agree with you.”
It becomes a point of no return.
Taking an argument personally never helps be it the giver or the listener.
Let us see how the same topic is viewed differently by different people.
There are some who start arguing at the drop of a hat for even trivial issues.
On the other side of the spectrum, saint like personalities exist, bothered about
nothing that is uttered.
Many of us would be in the in between range with varying degrees of tolerance.
The prudent one knows when to apply the break and get away,abruptly.
See what happens when two persons never agree and fiercely keep arguing.
The third party or boss intervenes and stops.
At the end of such a forced stoppage both would be still strong with their own views.
Once the argument reaches the personal stage, it is only temporarily shelved.
It erupts in one form or other on a later date. Is it worth all the trouble taken?
I wish to share a famous Tamil Couplet – Thirukkural as under,
TheeyiNaal suttaPun Ullaarum arathae
navinal sutta vadu Kural no 129
The wounds caused by fire would heal with time.
However the scar created by harsh words (expressed by the tongue) does not heal.
A proactive approach, therefore would be to carefully stop at the right time
and take a graceful exit before things become personal.
I am sure you would all agree that emotion would take over wisdom and reasoning
strongly, only when an argument is about to become personal.
So the onset of emotion, should be the cut-off point to stop.
Another popular quote is there.
WISE MEN REASON OUT, WHILE FOOLS KEEP ARGUING.
Please observe that WISE finish their task, while those who are not
have not yet finished !!
One more quote.
WIN AN ARGUMENT TO LOSE A FRIEND.
Perhaps the best ever that I once read in Reader’s Digest.
WHEN HUSBAND AND WIFE ARGUE NO ONE WINS.
So usages apart, whether it is reasoning or argument as you
fancy the way you want,
let us strive to draw boundaries to stop at the correct time.
V.Raghunathan……………………………………………………….. ………………Navi Mumbai
From India
This is a very interesting thread.
Situation portrayed is something which all of us are familiar with.
Yet all of us struggle at some point to deal with it effectively.
Views expressed by our members are excellent.
Let me try to add some more views from other dimensions.
Taking emotions personally in an argument is the issue.
Three solutions offered are
1.0 Don’t take it personally ( it is concluded that it will not work)
2.0 Take it personally right there.
3.0 Take it personally later.
In a day we discuss many things. Some are accepted some or not.
Granting that we are all on an average, calm going people, such situations of
an argument that requires the intervention of a third party
( boss in this case) is rare.
If it happens frequently, we have to do more home work to come to normal levels.
So far so good.
Suppose we come to know in advance that the argument is likely
to go personal, most of us would stop it, when tempers are normal
and discussions are issue based. Unfortunately we get involved so much
that the desire to be right or win an argument becomes the primary concern.
So we try all means, before things start becoming ugly and personal.
We do hear people say “ You may be right: but I will not / I do not agree with you.”
It becomes a point of no return.
Taking an argument personally never helps be it the giver or the listener.
Let us see how the same topic is viewed differently by different people.
There are some who start arguing at the drop of a hat for even trivial issues.
On the other side of the spectrum, saint like personalities exist, bothered about
nothing that is uttered.
Many of us would be in the in between range with varying degrees of tolerance.
The prudent one knows when to apply the break and get away,abruptly.
See what happens when two persons never agree and fiercely keep arguing.
The third party or boss intervenes and stops.
At the end of such a forced stoppage both would be still strong with their own views.
Once the argument reaches the personal stage, it is only temporarily shelved.
It erupts in one form or other on a later date. Is it worth all the trouble taken?
I wish to share a famous Tamil Couplet – Thirukkural as under,
TheeyiNaal suttaPun Ullaarum arathae
navinal sutta vadu Kural no 129
The wounds caused by fire would heal with time.
However the scar created by harsh words (expressed by the tongue) does not heal.
A proactive approach, therefore would be to carefully stop at the right time
and take a graceful exit before things become personal.
I am sure you would all agree that emotion would take over wisdom and reasoning
strongly, only when an argument is about to become personal.
So the onset of emotion, should be the cut-off point to stop.
Another popular quote is there.
WISE MEN REASON OUT, WHILE FOOLS KEEP ARGUING.
Please observe that WISE finish their task, while those who are not
have not yet finished !!
One more quote.
WIN AN ARGUMENT TO LOSE A FRIEND.
Perhaps the best ever that I once read in Reader’s Digest.
WHEN HUSBAND AND WIFE ARGUE NO ONE WINS.
So usages apart, whether it is reasoning or argument as you
fancy the way you want,
let us strive to draw boundaries to stop at the correct time.
V.Raghunathan……………………………………………………….. ………………Navi Mumbai
From India
it is very interesting. one pinch of salt can spoil ocean ful of milk. one idiotic boss can ruin the entire organization. educating the worker is the prime task of the superior. there must be a fraternal terms in a group. superior has got asll the rights to use his voice with our hurting the ego/self esteem. i worked under utmost idiots and learned that I MUST NOT PUT ANY ONE UNDER SUCH A AGONY WHEN I REACH THE POSITION OF IN CHARGE. i maintained a close relation in such a way that i can visualize the domestic back ground of the individual work and welfare must hand in hand not hand to hand..
From India, Bangalore
From India, Bangalore
please read as with out hurting..view it leniently. i learned many lessons in my previous field. few idiotic bosses will take revenge on individual through creating a torturous task so as to get a chance to ride the individual. always boss is correct is a stupid saying..
A LEARNED BOSS CAN TAKE ALONG THE STREAM VERY EFFECTIVELY AND ENTHUSIASTICALLY.
From India, Bangalore
A LEARNED BOSS CAN TAKE ALONG THE STREAM VERY EFFECTIVELY AND ENTHUSIASTICALLY.
From India, Bangalore
Dear Ashish,
Life is continuous teacher, it us who cease to learn at many times. I would not say that arguments ( that too personal / high pitched) do not bother me. It does. But every time this happens we have a choice. Are we allowing the other person to walk in our mind’s garden with their dirty feet? NO!
Setting the priorities right and putting logical arguments upfront would be my choice. I would not wish to argue if the person is trying to pick a fight or want to argue just for the sake of it. It will simply mean that we are letting other external things upset our internal equilibrium and it’s not the other person but I , who choose to give him that privilege.
Recouping from attack of words uttered will need considerable efforts from one’s end. Which will tend to be kind of automatic when a person is attuned it. I agree with Mr. Ashish that one needs to sit and find out what learning you achieved from the incident.
I firmly believe what our poster Bodhisutra has jotted down. Anyone who is involved in argument (most of times) find themselves to be true and hence winner. SO, in real sense there is no winner. This has been very hard on personal level to follow but it does have an impact when practiced. Obviously, language and pitch will have an impact. Before stooping down and starting personal attacks one must remember that everyone is fighting their battle which we might or might not be aware off. Wounds by words take a long, long time to heal.
From India, Vadodara
Life is continuous teacher, it us who cease to learn at many times. I would not say that arguments ( that too personal / high pitched) do not bother me. It does. But every time this happens we have a choice. Are we allowing the other person to walk in our mind’s garden with their dirty feet? NO!
Setting the priorities right and putting logical arguments upfront would be my choice. I would not wish to argue if the person is trying to pick a fight or want to argue just for the sake of it. It will simply mean that we are letting other external things upset our internal equilibrium and it’s not the other person but I , who choose to give him that privilege.
Recouping from attack of words uttered will need considerable efforts from one’s end. Which will tend to be kind of automatic when a person is attuned it. I agree with Mr. Ashish that one needs to sit and find out what learning you achieved from the incident.
I firmly believe what our poster Bodhisutra has jotted down. Anyone who is involved in argument (most of times) find themselves to be true and hence winner. SO, in real sense there is no winner. This has been very hard on personal level to follow but it does have an impact when practiced. Obviously, language and pitch will have an impact. Before stooping down and starting personal attacks one must remember that everyone is fighting their battle which we might or might not be aware off. Wounds by words take a long, long time to heal.
From India, Vadodara
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